Sirius Channel 75

basically owns my life. It's the Siriusly Sinatra channel, so it's all Frank Sinatra and easy listening music. If this station was a person, I would marry it and bear its children. (:

[BREAK-UPS]
So I guess today has just been the day for people to break-up. I had to try to keep Lara from bawling her eyes out today in fourth block so she could actually break-up with Chris without crying too much. Granted, I don't mind that, because I love Lara to pieces and I want to do everything I can to help the situation and help her. But now.. Josh and Eesh are broken up, or on a break, or whatever. And it actually kind of upsets me, because I always saw those two as that one relationship that was just going to stay permanent. Thankfully, as of right now, Matt and I are still staying together. When college rolls around.. *sigh*.. I don't know what I'm going to do.

[COLLEGE]
College is a whole other beast entirely. I'm about 98% sure that I want to go to Concord University.. in the small little town of Athens, West Virginia.. which is only, oh, four hours away. Four hours away from my family. Four hours away from my boyfriend, who has my entire heart, and who I someday hope to marry. I'm completely torn up inside about this.. because I know that I could get this great education at Concord, and I know that a guy should not dictate my college choice.. and even though I talk a good game of, "I'm going to Concord, even though Matt really doesn't want me to," to be quite honest, I'm so terrified of losing him that I'd seriously stay at Frostburg. And like.. I don't know.. it really upsets me that I'm going to be that far away. I'll probably only see him like.. three or four times a month. If I'm lucky and both of us have gas money. Or if I'm really lucky, I'll have an early class on Friday and I can get home by Friday afternoon or Friday night, so we'll have some of Friday, all of Saturday, and maybe some of Sunday. But I doubt it. So.. I don't even know. We were talking about how to keep our relationship together, and we've come up with some extreme ideas (being engaged in college, having a promise ring...), but we can't really come up with anything that we think will work. I look at Sierra and Drew, who can't even see each other, and I don't know how they do it. I'm afraid he'll find someone new.. or I'll find someone new.. just. I don't think I can go through this. I'm honestly considering ending it now just to save myself the trouble of ending it later. I know I'll be crazy paranoid that he's cheating on me, and I know that I'll be jealous of every friend he has in college, and I already know I'll find maybe one friend in Concord. I'm just.. I don't think I can deal with it, on top of college life. But if I would ever tell him what I just said, he'd think that I was just looking for an excuse to break-up with him, which is a lie. If he proposed to me right now, I'd probably say yes. Granted, I wouldn't marry him for awhile. But I'd still probably accept the proposal. And the promise ring idea was a good idea.. but he said it was almost just like an engagement ring.. and then I made the statement, "Well, do we really need a ring to remind ourselves that we love each other?" Now that I'm thinking about it, though.. it'll be nice to be sitting in class, or wherever, and look down at that ring.. and think, "He loves me. He wants to marry me someday." I actually am kind of thinking that'd be a good idea. But.. I hate that he talked to me about that. I always imagined the promise ring/engagement ring thing to be a surprise. But.. whatever. I'm just.. unimaginably stressed out about this.

[FRANKFORT]
We had a fight the other day. I kind of felt guilty that I didn't try to do something to stop it.. especially because I was just in a human video promoting BREAKING UP FIGHTS. But.. ehh.. it was two guys (one was exceptionally strong, too).. I don't really need to get in the middle of that. It's some scary stuff. In other news.. I got my first report card. I got a B in English 101, a B in British Literature, and a B in Psychology 101. I got As in the rest of my classes, though. (: My GPA ended up being something like a 4.175 or something. So I'm hoping when that gets added in to the 3.875 that I ended with last year, it'll even out to about a 4.0. And I desperately need the core GPA, so.. that kind of stuff would be helpful. I'm still kind of slacking in my classes, though. I hate it. Psychology is just tough because I have so much trouble studying for the tests. The other two.. I'm just lazy and don't study. Actually, I don't really study for any tests. Ever. I should be failing AP Government, but we get to use our notes. It's bad that I rely on them, but I already know I won't be able to memorize all of those court cases. Except for the one that called Georgia's use of the death penalty "freakish" and "random". (:

[IN OTHER NEWS]
I came across the most entertaining blog today, and it deal with a topic that I always point out: grammatical errors in signs, etc. But not just any grammatical error -- no, that would be too broad. This website focuses on out-of-place or unnecessary quotation marks. You should definitely check it out. Also, "Puttin' On The Ritz" just came on the radio. I love this song.

[MATT, AGAIN]
I know I just spent an hour talking about how I want to break up with my boyfriend. But honestly.. and I guess this is just the "everyone else is doing it" bug biting me.. I'm starting to think we need space. It's weird. One day, I'm completely head over heels for him.. the next, I question why we're in a relationship. I guess it's just because I went sixteen years of my life without a relationship, and now that I'm in one that may just last, I want to get out of it. But I'm also getting into Stet's mind frame: "If he's not the one, then I'm just wasting our time." And honestly.. I know I love him.. but I'm not so sure if he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Or, more specifically, if he's the One that God has picked out for me. I don't know what might've caused me to change my mind suddenly.. it's just really weird. I don't want to say any of this to him.. but I feel guilty. I don't know if I have split emotional personalities, or what. I do love him.. and I love to spend time with him.. but I'm also afraid that choices we've made recently are a) un-reversible, b) making it harder for us to keep a good relationship, and c) half the reason I'm still in a relationship. I always vowed not to let one thing surpass the other, and I let myself make choices that I regret. At the time, it was what I wanted, and I had a more-than-momentary lapse of reason. Now.. I wish I hadn't done it. And I think that might be part of it. And I feel like he's tying me down.. I can't make decisions because I'm starting to not only think of how it'll affect me, but how it will affect "us". And (not that I have many friends anyway) but I already know I blow off my friends to hang out with my boyfriend, because I dont' get to see him much.. so I want to spend as much as possible with him. But I've lost contact with so many people because of Matt.. not that it's his fault, because it's mine.. but just because I want to spend time talking to him and being with him, I don't get to talk to a lot of my other friends anymore. It's like.. just.. ugh.. I can't talk about any of this when I can't even sort out what the deuce I'm thinking.

[ANYWAY]
I pretty much don't have much else to say. Matt gets off work in nine minutes, so he'll probably call me in about.. ehh.. thirty. So I guess I should try to get a little bit of work done between now and then. If you are the praying type at all.. please say a prayer for me.. because I honestly just don't know what to do about anything anymore.

[P.S.]
I play with my food.