.. and you can be boxers. :)
Kidding. So, just a brief update until I get a chance to actually sit down and write..
I haven't decided on a college yet. I mean, there's school that I'd really like to go to, but since money is somewhat of an issue, I'll probably have to stay in WV for two years, anyway. So I figure I still have time deciding on where I'm transferring to. I may just end up staying at WVU for four + years. Who knows.
I have an appointment today to get this pesky wart on my thumb burnt off. I'm a little worried about it, actually. They said because it's so close to the growing nail, it might take longer to heal. Plus, adjudication is definitely on Tuesday, and I'm a little worried about that, as well. If my thumb is all bandaged up and such, I may not be able to play. But I'm hoping by then it'll be feeling good as new, and I can.
Matt and I are lovely, as always. I mean.. I'm still psycho and all.. but you should expect that by now. He's a sweetheart. I'd like to keep him around. :)
VoTech is pretty great.. I like the people I'm up there with, mostly. And we're getting shirts that say, "It's VoTech, not SloTech." Because people from Allegany and Fort Hill are always like, "Oh, you go to the Slowwww Tech?" Because apparently, across the river it's for the stupid kids. Or something like that. I'm not sure. But either way.. I like the shirt.
We're also getting the ugliest SMILE team shirts I've ever thought about. But oh well -- we all collectively agreed. Whitney and I were just too afraid to speak up. And it's not like it would've mattered, anyway, because the Malones are in charge of everything.
Paige's baby shower is Sunday.. Megan and I are baking tomorrow afternoon.. so that's pretty exciting. :)
So.. I suppose that's about all I'm going to say.. my ride will be here in about ten minutes, so I'm going to go get ready. I promise a real update when I get a chance.
3.23.2007
3.16.2007
An occasional stroke of genius.
I said this and wanted to remember it in case I wanted to use it later:
"That's how most memories are; bittersweet for the sheer fact that they're only memories.. recollections of the past that can be conjured up at any moment, but never relived."
"That's how most memories are; bittersweet for the sheer fact that they're only memories.. recollections of the past that can be conjured up at any moment, but never relived."
3.15.2007
Just some verses.
In the front of my Bible, I often write down verses that really stick out, or that I think I might like to read at a later time. And.. I just felt like I should post them for the heck of it.
Matthew 6:25-34 --> "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your beavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 --> Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Matthew 7:7-8 --> "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matthew 10:29-31 --> Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Matthew 10:38-39 --> and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Philippians 4:6 --> Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition [or suplication], with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
1 Corinthians 10:12-13 --> So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
I love Jesus. :)
Matthew 6:25-34 --> "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your beavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 --> Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Matthew 7:7-8 --> "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."
Matthew 10:29-31 --> Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Matthew 10:38-39 --> and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Philippians 4:6 --> Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition [or suplication], with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
1 Corinthians 10:12-13 --> So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
I love Jesus. :)
3.12.2007
Hearing and heeding..
I've found that lately, I have been questioning the heck out of mostly everything in my life. The thing is.. I pray to God.. and I ask Him what I should do.. but for some reason, I feel like I haven't gotten an answer yet. For instance..
I keep saying I'm going to talk to one or two people regarding college.. but I haven't done so yet. I think I have a pretty good idea of where I'd like to go.. and it's completely opposite or where my parents would like me to go.. and I'm not quite sure if they're happy about it. Especially because.. well, it'll be a little expensive to live there and all.. but I really feel like it'd be a good choice. The only problem is.. and, like I said, I know it's far off.. but I'd be leaving Megan and Matt.. among others.. and I can't handle doing that. Megan I know I'd keep in touch with.. but Matt.. we're dating.. and if we're still together when college rolls around.. that'll have been almost two years.. and I am scared to death that college will break us up. Especially if I go where I'm planning on going. So..
Then again, Melissa brought up a good point. Maybe I'm more afraid of hurting Matt than I am of hurting myself. Which is more than likely true, now that I think about it. I mean.. I care about him a TON.. and I'm petrified that I'll do something stupid and screw stuff up.. and all that. That's actually probably my worst fear, is that I'll screw up the relationship. But if he cares about me like he claims to [and I'm pretty sure he does.. lol], then my screwing up would hurt him, as well. Breaking up would hurt him. Moving away would hurt him. In addition to being scared to death of the unknown -- of the future in general -- I'm afraid of hurting one of the closest people to my heart. Honestly, there's Mom, Dad, Aiya, Megan, and Matt. And everyone kind of falls in below that. I'm so afraid of hurting the one person I love with all my hearttt.. that I've become afraid of everything else, as well.
Or.. it could always be that I can't hear God because I'm afraid of what His answer will be. And actually.. that answer makes more sense than any other. What if God tells me something I don't like? What if He says that Matt and I should break up, or that I should end up in college a million miles away? Honestly -- who wants to hear that? Ahh well.. I suppose the only thing left to do is to continue to pray and trust that an answer will be provided soon.
- How far is too far?
- What college should I attend?
- Should I be talking to certain people about my college decision?
- What things should be considered when deciding about college?
- Am I doing the right thing?
- What on earth am I doing here? (haha.. okay, not that one)
I keep saying I'm going to talk to one or two people regarding college.. but I haven't done so yet. I think I have a pretty good idea of where I'd like to go.. and it's completely opposite or where my parents would like me to go.. and I'm not quite sure if they're happy about it. Especially because.. well, it'll be a little expensive to live there and all.. but I really feel like it'd be a good choice. The only problem is.. and, like I said, I know it's far off.. but I'd be leaving Megan and Matt.. among others.. and I can't handle doing that. Megan I know I'd keep in touch with.. but Matt.. we're dating.. and if we're still together when college rolls around.. that'll have been almost two years.. and I am scared to death that college will break us up. Especially if I go where I'm planning on going. So..
Then again, Melissa brought up a good point. Maybe I'm more afraid of hurting Matt than I am of hurting myself. Which is more than likely true, now that I think about it. I mean.. I care about him a TON.. and I'm petrified that I'll do something stupid and screw stuff up.. and all that. That's actually probably my worst fear, is that I'll screw up the relationship. But if he cares about me like he claims to [and I'm pretty sure he does.. lol], then my screwing up would hurt him, as well. Breaking up would hurt him. Moving away would hurt him. In addition to being scared to death of the unknown -- of the future in general -- I'm afraid of hurting one of the closest people to my heart. Honestly, there's Mom, Dad, Aiya, Megan, and Matt. And everyone kind of falls in below that. I'm so afraid of hurting the one person I love with all my hearttt.. that I've become afraid of everything else, as well.
Or.. it could always be that I can't hear God because I'm afraid of what His answer will be. And actually.. that answer makes more sense than any other. What if God tells me something I don't like? What if He says that Matt and I should break up, or that I should end up in college a million miles away? Honestly -- who wants to hear that? Ahh well.. I suppose the only thing left to do is to continue to pray and trust that an answer will be provided soon.
3.08.2007
Stress.. or lack thereof.
So since my last blog, I've prayed quite a bit -- not suprisingly -- and I do feel a bit better. It's weird, because everytime I say, "I need to talk to Matt about this," or something like that, it DUMPS snow. And yesterday was no exception, apparently. However, I'm fairly sure I've decided my major.. I'm just working on figuring out where I want to go to college. And once I figure that out.. I still want to sit and talk to Matt about all of that. But I figure we've been "officially dating" for almost three months, "officially talking" for four and a half (and just having mutual feelings for about five), so I've got some time to worry about the future. There's still possibilities we won't even make it that far, so it's not something that I absolutely have to talk to him about this instant. The only part of things that scare me is, like I mentioned, I see this becoming serious. And I don't want it to end up like every other high school relationship. Many high school relationships are like gloves with the fingers cut out of them -- they look good, they feel good, but when it comes time for the true "use" of them (love, anyone?), they fail miserably. In other words.. it's all for show, and there's no feelings there. So as it stands now, we're doing good at not failing miserably in that department. :)
I just worry that I'm too committed, or not committed enough.. or that I think too much about the future, and that freaks people out a lot. I never know what to expect out of relationships, because my last one was bad enough, and the two "relationships" (I'm not sure what they'd be classified as) before that were just very.. abnormal. So it's more or less like this is a learning experience for me. Then again.. life is a learning experience..
Either way. One good thing about all of this is that Matt is quite the supportive boyfriend. And he's rather thoughtful.. and a gentleman (most of the time.. lol).. very sweet and romantic.. and generally a really great guy. Plus -- he actually calls me -- and I actually call him back. (I know, I know.. shocking! lol) But he really knows how to treat a girl respectfully, and he isn't all, "I want to have sex with you," or anything psycho like that.. he's a really good guy. I think I'll keep him. :)
On another note.. I give my full blessing to Megan and Nate if they'd decide to ever get married. Nate and Matt remind me that there really are gentlemen left in the world. They are both absolute sweethearts who think that their girlfriends could get better. Duhhh, of course not. (Granted, I think the same thing about myself -- that Matt could do better -- but he denies, so I guess we're all in the same boat.) But Nate has really impressed me. I mean -- I originally met him and thought, "Oh, he's a nice guy, but nothing stands out about him right now." But he has so proved me wrong. I've never seen a guy do so much for a girl that he loves.. it's so adorable. It's funny -- you know how sometimes, people tell you "cute" stories, and you say, "Awww.." but you don't really mean it? Just for lack of a better thing to say? Most of the time, that's how I am.. but whenever Megan or him tells me a story or a gift idea, or whatever.. I'm so happy for them! haha.. cuteee. :) [And, by the way -- I love them both, but especially MEGAN!]
So now that I've rambled.. I've decided that I tend to flip out and stress over things that I can calm down about.. granted, I'll probably talk to Matt about some stuff this weekend if we get time.. but if I don't, then I'm not going to push it. Especially because I know that if God wants it to work out, He'll let us discuss it in His time, and if it isn't going to work out, He'll show us. And if it doesn't -- so be it -- but I would definitely like it to. :)
Mike: "Alex, what do you want to do before Jesus comes back?"
Alex: "I think I'd like Him to wait until I'm married.."
Staci: "But Alex, if you wait until your married, and your kids say the same thing, then what'll happen?"
Alex: "... HAH!"
I love my youth group. <3
Carrie Underwood -- The Night Before (Life Goes On)
[has been on repeat on my iPod for a month now.]
Sitting up on the roof, sneaking a smoke by the chimney, checking out the moon and the city lights. He takes off his flannel shirt, and he drapes it around her shoulders, slides up behind her and holds on tight. And she says, "I don't want this night to end.. why does it have to end?"
Tomorrow she'll be rolling down I-10, Baton Rouge, LSU, 18 years in her rearview. He's got a Friday paycheck lined up down the block, at daddy's shop; it ain't much but its a job.
They've been dreading this moment all summer long... the night before life goes on...
A tear falls off her cheek and right when it hits his arm he says, "Come on baby -- let's get outta here." They take one last drive around town, and man it already looks different. He bangs the wheel and says, "Life ain't fair. And this growing up stuff -- man I don't know... I just don't wanna let you go."
Tomorrow she'll be rolling down I-10, Baton Rouge, LSU, 18 years in her rearview. He's got a Friday paycheck lined up down the block, at daddy's shop; it ain't much but its a job. They've been dreading this moment all summer long... the night before life goes on...
Yeah that's what my momma told me, and just like those kids, I didn't wanna listen to no one. Yeah, there's nothing you can do, there's nothing you can say, and I know how it feels when love goes away...
Tomorrow she'll be rolling down I-10, Baton Rouge, LSU, 18 years in her rear-view. He's got a Friday paycheck lined up down the block, at daddy's shop; it ain't much but its a job. They've been dreading this moment all summer long... but here it is, they don't have long... the night before life goes on...
I just worry that I'm too committed, or not committed enough.. or that I think too much about the future, and that freaks people out a lot. I never know what to expect out of relationships, because my last one was bad enough, and the two "relationships" (I'm not sure what they'd be classified as) before that were just very.. abnormal. So it's more or less like this is a learning experience for me. Then again.. life is a learning experience..
Either way. One good thing about all of this is that Matt is quite the supportive boyfriend. And he's rather thoughtful.. and a gentleman (most of the time.. lol).. very sweet and romantic.. and generally a really great guy. Plus -- he actually calls me -- and I actually call him back. (I know, I know.. shocking! lol) But he really knows how to treat a girl respectfully, and he isn't all, "I want to have sex with you," or anything psycho like that.. he's a really good guy. I think I'll keep him. :)
On another note.. I give my full blessing to Megan and Nate if they'd decide to ever get married. Nate and Matt remind me that there really are gentlemen left in the world. They are both absolute sweethearts who think that their girlfriends could get better. Duhhh, of course not. (Granted, I think the same thing about myself -- that Matt could do better -- but he denies, so I guess we're all in the same boat.) But Nate has really impressed me. I mean -- I originally met him and thought, "Oh, he's a nice guy, but nothing stands out about him right now." But he has so proved me wrong. I've never seen a guy do so much for a girl that he loves.. it's so adorable. It's funny -- you know how sometimes, people tell you "cute" stories, and you say, "Awww.." but you don't really mean it? Just for lack of a better thing to say? Most of the time, that's how I am.. but whenever Megan or him tells me a story or a gift idea, or whatever.. I'm so happy for them! haha.. cuteee. :) [And, by the way -- I love them both, but especially MEGAN!]
So now that I've rambled.. I've decided that I tend to flip out and stress over things that I can calm down about.. granted, I'll probably talk to Matt about some stuff this weekend if we get time.. but if I don't, then I'm not going to push it. Especially because I know that if God wants it to work out, He'll let us discuss it in His time, and if it isn't going to work out, He'll show us. And if it doesn't -- so be it -- but I would definitely like it to. :)
Mike: "Alex, what do you want to do before Jesus comes back?"
Alex: "I think I'd like Him to wait until I'm married.."
Staci: "But Alex, if you wait until your married, and your kids say the same thing, then what'll happen?"
Alex: "... HAH!"
I love my youth group. <3
Carrie Underwood -- The Night Before (Life Goes On)
[has been on repeat on my iPod for a month now.]
Sitting up on the roof, sneaking a smoke by the chimney, checking out the moon and the city lights. He takes off his flannel shirt, and he drapes it around her shoulders, slides up behind her and holds on tight. And she says, "I don't want this night to end.. why does it have to end?"
Tomorrow she'll be rolling down I-10, Baton Rouge, LSU, 18 years in her rearview. He's got a Friday paycheck lined up down the block, at daddy's shop; it ain't much but its a job.
They've been dreading this moment all summer long... the night before life goes on...
A tear falls off her cheek and right when it hits his arm he says, "Come on baby -- let's get outta here." They take one last drive around town, and man it already looks different. He bangs the wheel and says, "Life ain't fair. And this growing up stuff -- man I don't know... I just don't wanna let you go."
Tomorrow she'll be rolling down I-10, Baton Rouge, LSU, 18 years in her rearview. He's got a Friday paycheck lined up down the block, at daddy's shop; it ain't much but its a job. They've been dreading this moment all summer long... the night before life goes on...
Yeah that's what my momma told me, and just like those kids, I didn't wanna listen to no one. Yeah, there's nothing you can do, there's nothing you can say, and I know how it feels when love goes away...
Tomorrow she'll be rolling down I-10, Baton Rouge, LSU, 18 years in her rear-view. He's got a Friday paycheck lined up down the block, at daddy's shop; it ain't much but its a job. They've been dreading this moment all summer long... but here it is, they don't have long... the night before life goes on...
3.01.2007
In suspension between two extremes.
Although I realize I'm quite the pessimist, I can at least try to be upbeat for two minutes of my existence.. "try" being the key word.
I feel like my life is divided into two parts, almost. One part is a rainy, ugly day, and the other is a beautiful, sunny morning in Autumn. My rainy, ugly day is when I'm alone.. or just in one of my moods like I'm in tonight. My beautiful, sunny morning in Autumn is when I'm with Matt, or my friends. I wish I had more Autumn days, but for some reason, it seems like the rainy days are beginning to outnumber them. But I'll talk about my Autumn days, for happiness' sake.
One day that sticks out imparticular is the first day that I spent with Matt after we decided to be official. (Well, okay -- I decided, he just agreed -- but for conversation's sake, "we" decided.) We went to the mall -- we ate at Jerry's with my parents, I believe -- and then went to see Night at the Museum. And for some reason -- whether he was being cute, or a complete gentleman -- I was asked (in a way) if he could kiss me. And, although I'm a rude, rude person, and made him wait half the movie.. well, we all know what happened. But for some reason, that whole night was just.. quite lovely. Very enjoyable, if nothing else. My second favorite night was last weekend.. as I already wrote, it was just completely amazing. We had a great time, it was very relaxed.. very simple. I like simple. My third favorite "date" would probably be.. going over to meet his parents and all. We all know how stressed out I can get about stuff like band and school.. so take that.. and multiply it by about ten. I flipped out for an hour and a half because I had "nothing to wear". Seriously -- I'm turning into a typical girl -- and it's scaring me. I was so nervous, and it ended up being completely different than what I expected -- in a good way, and we'll leave it at that -- and I really like Matt's family a lot.
Although, I must say.. this whole commitment thing scares the bejeebees out of me. Knowing that one person has the power to break my heart, ruin my world (for the time being, at least), completely shatter me.. scares the heck out of me. I'm afraid that I'm making a bad decision by doing this.. that I'm only getting myself into another heartbreak.. but then I look at people like Heather Wolford and her boyfriend.. who have been together probably two years.. or Jacque Bartlett and J.R.. it's been about two years for them, too, and they're engaged.. or people like that. And I think to myself, "Self: what if Matt and I do last that long? Not necessarily to engagement. But two years. One year, even. Why are you so crazy?" And the only answer I can give is.. "I don't know." I don't know if I fear commitment, or just fear getting in too deep. I have a feeling it's commitment, though, because I can't stay committed to one career or event or anything. I have a real problem. And the other thing I have a problem with is fear. I'm afraid of losing people, so I push them away. I'm afraid of getting hurt, so I keep myself out of the situation. Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm afraid that I'm trying to sabotage it in order for me not to get hurt, because I'm so scared that this might become something permanent, or at least semi-permanent. And by thinking all of this, I'm only going to sabotage it more. I want to be with Matt, but I don't want to be hurt.. and that's what I'm worried about. And when he reads this -- and he will -- he's going to think he has the most psycho girlfriend in the world. And I'm very sorry for that, too, by the way.
Here's the problem. I love Matt. Love is my problem. I love my parents, but we have a secure relationship. It can't be broken up -- it can be shattered, sure, but in the end, we're still family. But with Matt.. there's no definite security there.. just his word, and my trust. And that's what scares me. I am, by no means, saying I'd like to be married, or anything like that. On the contrary -- marriage scares me, too -- but what I am saying is that because I don't really have anything that can assure me that I am 100% safe from hurt, other than the Lord our Father, who is watching over me at this very second, I get really paranoid. Granted, I pray every night that if there's a reason for this relationship to end, for Him to show me, and I haven't seen diddly yet. So I'm assuming I'm making the right choice here. But still..
So I guess tonight I'll sit down and have a nice talk with God. Get all of this out to Him.. although I'm sure he's listening to me as I'm saying this in my head before I type it. And hopefully I'll hear some sort of answer. If I listen closely. Oh gosh.. I hope I do..
[Disclaimer: I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and don't want to lose him. That's not what I'm saying. Please don't take it that way. I'm just saying that I'm a bit psycho and not afraid to admit it.]
I feel like my life is divided into two parts, almost. One part is a rainy, ugly day, and the other is a beautiful, sunny morning in Autumn. My rainy, ugly day is when I'm alone.. or just in one of my moods like I'm in tonight. My beautiful, sunny morning in Autumn is when I'm with Matt, or my friends. I wish I had more Autumn days, but for some reason, it seems like the rainy days are beginning to outnumber them. But I'll talk about my Autumn days, for happiness' sake.
One day that sticks out imparticular is the first day that I spent with Matt after we decided to be official. (Well, okay -- I decided, he just agreed -- but for conversation's sake, "we" decided.) We went to the mall -- we ate at Jerry's with my parents, I believe -- and then went to see Night at the Museum. And for some reason -- whether he was being cute, or a complete gentleman -- I was asked (in a way) if he could kiss me. And, although I'm a rude, rude person, and made him wait half the movie.. well, we all know what happened. But for some reason, that whole night was just.. quite lovely. Very enjoyable, if nothing else. My second favorite night was last weekend.. as I already wrote, it was just completely amazing. We had a great time, it was very relaxed.. very simple. I like simple. My third favorite "date" would probably be.. going over to meet his parents and all. We all know how stressed out I can get about stuff like band and school.. so take that.. and multiply it by about ten. I flipped out for an hour and a half because I had "nothing to wear". Seriously -- I'm turning into a typical girl -- and it's scaring me. I was so nervous, and it ended up being completely different than what I expected -- in a good way, and we'll leave it at that -- and I really like Matt's family a lot.
Although, I must say.. this whole commitment thing scares the bejeebees out of me. Knowing that one person has the power to break my heart, ruin my world (for the time being, at least), completely shatter me.. scares the heck out of me. I'm afraid that I'm making a bad decision by doing this.. that I'm only getting myself into another heartbreak.. but then I look at people like Heather Wolford and her boyfriend.. who have been together probably two years.. or Jacque Bartlett and J.R.. it's been about two years for them, too, and they're engaged.. or people like that. And I think to myself, "Self: what if Matt and I do last that long? Not necessarily to engagement. But two years. One year, even. Why are you so crazy?" And the only answer I can give is.. "I don't know." I don't know if I fear commitment, or just fear getting in too deep. I have a feeling it's commitment, though, because I can't stay committed to one career or event or anything. I have a real problem. And the other thing I have a problem with is fear. I'm afraid of losing people, so I push them away. I'm afraid of getting hurt, so I keep myself out of the situation. Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm afraid that I'm trying to sabotage it in order for me not to get hurt, because I'm so scared that this might become something permanent, or at least semi-permanent. And by thinking all of this, I'm only going to sabotage it more. I want to be with Matt, but I don't want to be hurt.. and that's what I'm worried about. And when he reads this -- and he will -- he's going to think he has the most psycho girlfriend in the world. And I'm very sorry for that, too, by the way.
Here's the problem. I love Matt. Love is my problem. I love my parents, but we have a secure relationship. It can't be broken up -- it can be shattered, sure, but in the end, we're still family. But with Matt.. there's no definite security there.. just his word, and my trust. And that's what scares me. I am, by no means, saying I'd like to be married, or anything like that. On the contrary -- marriage scares me, too -- but what I am saying is that because I don't really have anything that can assure me that I am 100% safe from hurt, other than the Lord our Father, who is watching over me at this very second, I get really paranoid. Granted, I pray every night that if there's a reason for this relationship to end, for Him to show me, and I haven't seen diddly yet. So I'm assuming I'm making the right choice here. But still..
So I guess tonight I'll sit down and have a nice talk with God. Get all of this out to Him.. although I'm sure he's listening to me as I'm saying this in my head before I type it. And hopefully I'll hear some sort of answer. If I listen closely. Oh gosh.. I hope I do..
[Disclaimer: I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and don't want to lose him. That's not what I'm saying. Please don't take it that way. I'm just saying that I'm a bit psycho and not afraid to admit it.]
The kid was alright, but it went to his head.
For some reason that I've yet to discover, I'm feeling this complete sense of loss. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I feel like things are out of my hands now, and it's bothering me immensely. Granted, things are always in God's hands, but I usually feel like I have some control of what's happening. I feel like everything is existing around me, instead of with me, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm about to lose something.. and I hope I'm not.. especially because of the things I'm thinking of losing..
But there's this feeling that I can't quite explain. It's not quite envy or jealousy.. not quite sadness.. not quite happiness.. it's just.. bothering me. Nervousness, perhaps? Maybe I just expected a somewhat poetic life, and what I'm getting is a boring documentary. I feel like there's something missing.. "there must be more than this provincial life".. but I know I shouldn't, because God should be filling that emptiness. So why is it still there? And why am I suddenly questioning everything I was ever sure of (and some things I wasn't)? My life has always been based on maybe, not definites or nevers. I just don't understand how things can feel so right, and yet so marred at the same time. You'd think I could make up my mind on whether I was happy or not. Which, don't get me wrong -- I'm extremely happy with Matt, and I'm happy with where I am with my life -- but I still feel this sense of sadness.
Maybe I'm depressed.. it's a long-shot, I know. But it's always a possibility.
Gosh.. now I can understand why I "don't have any friends", or whatever lame excuse I always use. I push people away left and right because I have crazy mood swings. And, right now, I'm afraid said crazy mood swings are going to push me away from the people who mean the most to me. Namely.. Matt. I'm not having much trouble with Megan. But I've been very snappy with my parents lately, and I'd like to keep a tight relationship with them. I don't understanddddd..
I'm going to type up a happy blog now. Toodles.
But there's this feeling that I can't quite explain. It's not quite envy or jealousy.. not quite sadness.. not quite happiness.. it's just.. bothering me. Nervousness, perhaps? Maybe I just expected a somewhat poetic life, and what I'm getting is a boring documentary. I feel like there's something missing.. "there must be more than this provincial life".. but I know I shouldn't, because God should be filling that emptiness. So why is it still there? And why am I suddenly questioning everything I was ever sure of (and some things I wasn't)? My life has always been based on maybe, not definites or nevers. I just don't understand how things can feel so right, and yet so marred at the same time. You'd think I could make up my mind on whether I was happy or not. Which, don't get me wrong -- I'm extremely happy with Matt, and I'm happy with where I am with my life -- but I still feel this sense of sadness.
Maybe I'm depressed.. it's a long-shot, I know. But it's always a possibility.
Gosh.. now I can understand why I "don't have any friends", or whatever lame excuse I always use. I push people away left and right because I have crazy mood swings. And, right now, I'm afraid said crazy mood swings are going to push me away from the people who mean the most to me. Namely.. Matt. I'm not having much trouble with Megan. But I've been very snappy with my parents lately, and I'd like to keep a tight relationship with them. I don't understanddddd..
I'm going to type up a happy blog now. Toodles.
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