Yep.

I'm about halfway done my Renaissance project.. finally. I decided to set Macbeth in the Pirates of the Caribbean time period, with pirates. It's actually going very well now that I've gotten an idea on paper. I've gotten Lady Macbeth's costume drawn and finished, and I'm working on Macbeth's as we speak. I kind of wish this production would actually be done. Maybe I'll write the script for it one day.

Today, I decided I want to go to Concord. I'll probably change my mind by tomorrow. But that's okay. See, here's the thing. I got a scholarship for there for a whole $2,000 a year (which really isn't that much, but whatever). If I get PROMISE, though, those two scholarships pretty much take care of my entire school career. Any other scholarships I may get would just be money in my pocket. So right now, the money is weighing out everything else. Even Matt..

I just need a change. Unfortunately, said change won't come for another eight months. Yipee.

This has been one of the best and worst years of my life.. for all the same reasons. It may not make sense to you, but you'd understand if you knew everything I'm thinking of.

"I feel I must interject here: you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself with these revisions, and gaps in history. So let me help you remember -- I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear -- I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave -- so please back away and let me go." "I can't, my darling, I love you so. Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?" "Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future! Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures."

Matt and I disagree on that song. He goes with the guy.. because the guy really loves her. But I'm all for the girl, because she's being realistic, and she knows that love isn't always enough to make something work out.

Love is never enough.

Money.

Ways to NOT save money:
Go bowling.
Go out to movies with your cousins.
Pay for your girlfriend's stuff.
Eat out a lot.
Not ask your parents for money.
Not budget yourself ($25 per week would've done it).

Ways to disappoint people:
Not call when you say you will.
Back out at the last minute.
Use that all-time favorite, "It'll be better next time."

Ways to hurt people more:
Say, "I love you," after dropping this bombshell.
Being more concerned that they're going to be pissed rather than the fact that you "wanted" to go in the first place.
Go out to a movie with your cousins even though you're going to be tight on money.

Ways to deal:
Ignore it.
Ignore them.
Ignore their phone calls.
Don't expect much more than this in the first place.
Act tough.
Have fun in spite of them.
Disregard the fact that you'll be away from home with your parents and another couple. Fifth wheel much?

What I'm doing:
Sitting.
Waiting.
Thinking.
Getting ready to do something daring, something dangerous. Something I'll quite likely regret in hindsight.


And Disney's supposed to be the happiest place on Earth?

One year later..

So it's been a year officially for Matt and I. (: I was pretty stoked about that. I think we had one of the better dates of our 365 days together. He came and picked me up from work, and then we went bowling with Elizabeth, Timmy, and Josh. I love spending time with all of them.. it must be nice to have so much family that close in age. I kind of wish I had something like that. Well, I guess I do, now. (: But.. yeah. After we went bowling, we went to the Chinese restaurant by Ames. It was fun.

I kind of finished my six-weeks project for Gillis. It sucks, but I don't think I can do much better with it, honestly. I'm going to start working on my interest group paper for AP Government here in a bit. I can't believe it's only 11:20-something right now.. it feels like it's about 1 am. I'm not liking this one bit.

My aunt, uncle, and cousin just sent me fifty bucks. I'm kind of stoked about that, too.

Christmas is literally right around the corner.. and so is Disney World. I have mixed feelings about both instances. But at least I'll get to be with Matt for a week! The only people I bought gifts for this year were my parents and Matt.. and that's it. I feel kind of bad, because I like to give gifts.. but I haven't had time or money to get people stuff. So.. sorry, guys.

I thought I'd have more to say than this.. but I'm at a loss for words. I'm trying to figure out how to fill up two - three page with pure BS and make it worthy of an A grade. I need to get an A in these classes. Grr.

Ugh.

Tell me how writing a paper on a book we've read is going to help us. I understand they want us to broaden our horizons.. but seriously. The past two books I've written about are books I've read previously and have enjoyed thoroughly. I basically am telling people why I liked the book. But I'm doing it in three pages instead of a conversation.

That is so lame on so many levels.

And what's the point of a senior project? My major for my senior project: Undecided. No lie. I'm going to figure out some way to do it. I have to write a research paper on it.. no big deal. I'll write a little bit about different "career clusters". Ohh, Mr. Riley would be pissed.

And what is with Cowgill giving us busy work?

Somebody get me a large alcoholic drink. Please.

More nonsense.

Things I'm looking forward to:
Working tomorrow.
Seeing Matt on Wednesday.
Beth's Christmas party on Saturday.
Gift-wrapping Saturday morning.
Finishing Matt's present.
Getting my Christmas present.
Finishing my MacBeth project.
Disney World.
The rest of my senior year.
College.
The rest of my life.

Things I'm not looking forward to:
Thinking about Matt being in D.C. without me.
Only getting fifteen minutes outside of church to cuddle with Matt on Wednesday.
Starting Matt's present.
Seeing Matt's reaction to said present.
Starting my MacBeth project.
Disney World.
The rest of my senior year.
College.
The rest of my life.

Beth Mason is having a Christmas party thing this weekend. I'm looking forward to it.. I like Matt's friends. Ben and Patrick and Jordan and Matt (Cosner) will be there.. I'm excited. I love those boys. And Patrick always always always talks to me, no matter what. So at least I know I'll have someone to talk to when Matt's off being the popular party animal that he is.

I'm slacking off majorly in some of my classes.. mostly, AP Government. Not good, since it's a weighted class, and a higher grade in that means above a 4.0 GPA. But right now.. I'm at a 4.0.. so I'm happy. I do have 100% in math class right now, because I've actually been doing my homework and OAs. Or at least attempting both. And actually.. I had a 92.1% in government as of December 12ish.. but.. that's without our sock puppet show, our GDP homework, and the interest group paper that I didn't get to turn in today due to a band function that I forgot about sort of. My English 101 paper is actually done, almost. It's mostly finished.. I just have to make some last minute corrections on it. Speaking of college classes.. my psych teacher told me that my research paper about methamphetamine addiction was so good that she was going to use it for her counseling class. I was pretty proud of myself, actually. My parents were, too. The few people I wanted to show pride, though.. could care less. That kind of hurt. I'm doing well in that class this six weeks.. I'm very pleased with myself. I was the very first presentation on the first day, and the only points I got taken off were because I forgot to do one little thing. In other words.. my presentation and research paper were absolutely perfect. You have no idea how important that is to me. If I can ace the final, there's a possibility I can make a high B or low A for my final grade. That would be amazing. My English 101 class is okay.. British Literature would be better if he didn't make us do so much. But I can't fault him for doing his job. AP Government is just.. I don't know. I don't enjoy it. I love Mr. Cowgill.. it's not him.. it's just. I don't have a passion for that class at all. It's not like Marketing, or Economics.. which were amazing and I wish I could retake them both. I never pay attention in math class, and I know I should.. but I have a really tough time of it. I apologized to Mrs. Cosner for that, too. She knows it's not her teaching.. she's a great teacher. I just have trouble sitting still for that long learning about math. Especially in a room with cell service, and especially at a time when Matt sometimes checks his phone.

Next semester will either be really easy or freakin' ridiculous. I'm expecting the latter. I'll still have British Literature, so that won't be much different. I'll have English 102 rather than English 101, so that might be harder.. I'm not sure. But then we have College Speech.. I'm not so sure about that class. I have Biology with Mr. Clark.. I haven't had Mr. Clark since ninth grade, so this will be fun. And I have Accounting I with Mrs. Luvara, who I had last year for Economics. I love her, even though she's what people consider a "mean" teacher. She does her job, kids don't like it. *shrug* I think she's a good teacher. And I miss having Blake and Tony in my classes. I loved VoTech. (TCBY = Tony's Country Buttered Yams)

I leave for Disney in.. ehh.. ten and a half days. I'm kind of excited about that. But I know that I have two projects to be working on, so I'm not looking forward to doing those. And I have to get Matt's gift done before Saturday, so that I can wrap it on Saturday and give it to him before Beth's party. I'm a bit worried, to be honest. I'm hoping I can utilize my day off on Friday to do that.. and the housework that Dad and Mom ask me to do. But guess who all is going to Disney? Or did I already say.. oh well. Mom, Dad, myself.. and then Matt, Stetter, and Eesh. I'm effing excited for that. I hope we all get along.. I think we will. Downside? I have to sleep in a hotel with three snorers for a night. Not looking forward to that at all. But I'm hoping Mom and Dad fall asleep and Matt and I just stay up and cuddle. (: haha.. and get this. He's staying over the night before we leave. His parents are actually letting him. I'm expecting the apocalypse soon.

Mom said that if Matt and Matt were going to FSU.. and I went, too.. she'd buy us three a house. Well.. she'd buy the house and they would pay rent or whatever. And I was all cool with it.. because I trust myself and the fact that I'm saving myself for marriage. Matt's response was, "Sweet! We'd lose our virginity in the first week." I'm glad one of us has faith.. lol.. I do think that would be nice, though. I know I'd get along with my roommates, at least.

My mind has honestly been so focused on schoolwork and college and stuff that I really don't care about anything else. And when I do care about something else, it's trivial. Like Matt's Christmas present.. it requires a certain part of the computer for a specific reason. Well.. this certain part on ours is BROKE. So I was like.. flipping out, upset, frustrated, near tears, trying to fix the computer today. I never did get it fixed. But I'm going to try to get all of the stuff done tomorrow before school starts.. if Mrs. Bradley is feeling nice. If I can get the first half of it done by tomorrow morning, then I can make haystacks tomorrow right after school, then run in to Wal*Mart before I go into work, then go to work 6 - 10.. then come home and sleep. (: Then I'll have Wednesday, Thursday, and all day Friday to work on stuff.. which is good. But.. seriously.. I have not been excited for anything. This is a bad time for a Disney vacation. I have too much to do. If they could postpone it for awhile.. that'd be awesome. I don't want to go because I have so much stuff left to do. Matt keeps telling me to lighten up but.. I can't. He doesn't understand the whole concept of honors classes and having to get scholarships. I hate it.

I don't feel like badmouthing my boyfriend right now. But if you ask me about it, I will most certainly talk your ear off about how I feel.

Fine Arts starts soon.. I'm pretty excited about that. I'm doing three events.. human video, puppetry group, and instrumental ensemble. I have a feeling I'll be on the not-so-favorable human video team.. which means we probably won't advance, but that's okay.. and the puppet team, which advance every year because they're all amazing.. and instrumental, and I really wish they could do the Ascension. Actually, they really could do the Ascension. But they won't. Argh.. now I'm frustrated. I want to play that song again. The piano part was amazing. But I don't know why I did FA anymore.. because I'm really not good at it.. and I'll have to practice stuff to get better. I don't have time as it is. I'll have Fine Arts all day on Sundays.. nothing really on Mondays.. jazz band Tuesday mornings and community band Tuesday evenings.. drum lessons and church on Wednesdays.. nothing really on Thursdays.. and then probably work from 4:30 - 10 on Friday and then a six or eight hour shift on Saturday. Plus, somewhere in between, I have instrumental ensemble practice with Chris, Staci, Will, and whoever else. I don't know how Staci is doing nine events.. I'm strapped as it is with three. Oh, and I can't forget those extra SMILE Team activities that will be sprinkled here and there.. plus Region Band and WVU Honor Band and all of that good stuff. I love being this stretched out.. I absolutely love it.

And, by the way, I just found out that Youth Convention, which I have been looking forward to since forever, is scheduled the same weekend as my senior prom. If I go to DYC, then I miss one of the most important nights of my high school career. If I go to prom, I have to also convince Matt to stay home and go to prom with me, OR I have a crummy time. Or I go to prom with Chris George and make Matt very jealous.

I feel like there's something very wrong. I can't pinpoint it.. but I can feel it. Sometimes, I think I've put myself into a mild depression due to stress. Nothing I do anymore makes me happy.. even spending time with Matt doesn't make me happy sometimes. The other day, I honestly wanted to throw myself in front of a truck. I have no idea what I was so upset over. I do know that drinking OJ makes me a bit happier. I think I have an iron deficiency or a vitamin deficiency or something. Maybe I'm just tired. All of this work work work has taken a toll on me. I'll be in Disney, but my mind will still be on British Literature and my senior project (which is a pass or fail grade). They're both due around the same time, too, so I'll be doubly stressed. I haven't even started on my senior project because I haven't had too much time to do it.. and I've almost finished reading MacBeth so I can get my Brit. Lit. project out of the way as soon as I can.

Anyway.. I think I've rambled on enough. I have so much more to say, but I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago, and I have school at a normal time tomorrow. I do, however, miss the days when I had bunches of free time and didn't have to worry so much.

Grr.

Nonsense.

I appreciate the honesty, but some things I didn't need to know.

The brain is the most powerful sex organ.

Sometimes, I wish you'd get over yourself and suck it up.

I understand you, completely. I just wish I could convey it platonically.

I wish you wouldn't have told me how you once felt about her.

Why do you really think I'm going to Frostburg?

There's no subtle way to tell you what I need to.

Pornography is ruining our relationship.

Your jokes aren't that funny.

I still miss you, sometimes. And I'd like to get to know her, on better terms.

I hate being a "smart kid". I take the hard classes and screw up.

I'm an object, not a person.

This year meant nothing.

All men are created equal, but some are more equal than others.

I hate to ask for help, but I really need some.

You were my first choice; he was my second.

Jealousy is ruining our relationship.

I love my job.

I wish I was single.

I'm afraid.

I've gone too far to try to go back.

I'm too attached to let go.

I wish things would start to make sense.

The truth is ruining our relationship.

High school better not be the best years of my life.

Hearing you sing makes me happy. You sing beautifully. I wish you'd sing for me, just once.

You're a hypochondriac; calm down.

You should start doing what you say you'll do.. where do you think I learned it from?

Mass Communications degree = crummy office job.

Business degree = not my dream.

Things should be simpler.

I'm ruining our relationship.

.++.

"Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart that you're deserting for better company? I can't accept that it's over, and I will block the door like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry. So just say how to make it right, and I swear I'll do my best to comply. Tell me: am I right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?"

"I feel must interject here; you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself with these revisions and gaps in history. So let me help you remember: I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear -- I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave! -- so please back away and let me go."

"I can't, my darling, I love you so. Tell me: am I right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?"

"Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future; your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures."

"I admit that I have made mistakes, and I swear I'll never wrong you again."

"You've got a lure I can't deny, but you've had your chance so say goodbye, say goodbye."

These are a few of my favorite things..

I don't have a whole bunch of anything to say.. I'm just bored.

I just added some random guy to my Yahoo/AIM so he could send me an mp3 of one of the greatest SNL skits ever. He seems pretty nice, though. Not stalker-ish or anything. So that's a good thing.. lol.. speaking of Yahoo. I signed into it. And the display picture was of me and Josh. I was like.. eeeeek, I don't need to think about that.. lol

Matt apparently got my Christmas gift today. The fact that he says he "got" the gift means he paid for it.. I want him to return it.. lol.. I wish he'd save his money for Disney. (Speaking of which, he almost wasn't/isn't going.. it's a long story.. ask me and I'll explain it) But yeah. I got him a singing card.. on the front it says.. I only want (or need?) two things for Christmas.. and then you open it and it has a picture of mistletoe on it, and it says.. Mistletoe and you. I love you. And I thought that was absolutely adorable. So I'm going to write Matt a letter, and stick it inside of the card. And maybe make him something.. I haven't decided yet. I need to do something creative.. like.. eek! I've got it! But I'm not posting here, because I'm keeping it secret.. people have a tendency to slip about things like that. (: haha

IF YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES OF MATT AND I, PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME ASAP! Thanks!

All I want from Matt is the following.. (:

Hey girl I got somethin' real important to give you, so just sit down and listen. Girl you know we've been together such a long long time (such a long time), and now I'm ready to lay it on the line.. (Wooow) You know it's Christmas and my heart is open wide; gonna give you something so you know what's on my mind -- a gift real special, so take off the top, take a look inside -- it's my dick in a box! Not gonna get you a diamond ring -- that sort of gift don't mean anything -- not gonna get you a fancy car.. girl ya gotta know you're my shining star. Not gonna get you a house in the hills -- a girl like you needs somethin' real! Wanna get you somethin' from the heart, somethin' special girl.. It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box babe.. It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl! See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin' (yeah), and I got just the one.. somethin' to show ya that you are second to none. To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress, it's easy to do! Just follow these steps:
1) Cut a hole in a box.
2) Put your junk in that box.
3) Make her open the box.
And that's the way you do it..
It's my dick in a box... my dick in a box babe.. It's my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl.. Christmas? Dick in a box! Hanukkah? Dick in a box! Kwanzaa? A dick in a box! Every single holiday? A dick in a box! Over at your parent's house? A dick in a box! Mid-day at the grocery store? A dick in a box! Backstage at the CMA's? A dick in a box! (yeah-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow).. A dick in a box...

Heh. (:

I'm tired.

Very tired, as a matter of fact.

I work tonight.. 5:30 till 10:00. Shouldn't be too bad of a shift, save for quarter after nine on. It gets pretty dead and empty after nine. But that's alright, because I'll probably bring a book to read if they'll let me. I bought three books yesterday: "Paradise Lost" by John Milton; "Animal Farm" by George Orwell (I've read it before and I love it); and "1984" by George Orwell (I haven't been able to put it down!). It is quickly becoming one of my favorites.

I finished my paper for English 101.. thank God. So now I have my plate clear of projects except for my Renaissance Project due for British Literature. Here's what I'm picking to do, because it sounds fun and challenging.

"Be Dramatic. Design a contemporary production of "Macbeth" set in an anachronistic time period (current times, American West, World War II, Gangland, etc.). This will include: a short (one-page) proposal describing your reasoning behind your choice of time period and how it will both affect the play and hot it will reflect Shakespeare's themes, and a short description of the set and costumes involved and how the choice of time period will enhance audience interest in the play; a thumbnail sketch of the proposed set with notes on how it will reflect the settings of the play; costume sketches of Macbeth, Lady Macbeth, Macduff, and Old Siward; and a production poster for the production."

I have a feeling that not many people will do it, because it's a lot of work. The rest of them are analyzing or writing a sonnet. Neither of those choices sound appealing to me. So I'm going to get a head start thanks to my superb non-procrastinating skills and a little help from No Fear Shakespeare. (:

Matt and I are better. I think a week apart to let me focus on school helped me bunches. I really enjoyed my time with him yesterday.. it was just fun. No pressure to make out or just sit and talk or whatever. It was just.. me and him at the video store.. me and him at his house watching Forrest Gump. And then Megan, Arik, Ben, Patrick, and Jordan making my life ten times more amazing. Jenna and.. who else?.. someone else.. showed up at Matt's a little later. But I love being around the boys. When those three are together, with Matt, they are freakin' hilarious! And I love being in on the joke-telling. It makes me feel like less of a loser than I actually am. (: haha.. jokes about Ben being Asian, and Patrick and his Jewish-ism (and alcoholic-ism), and Jordan and myself being the not-drivers at the party, and how I'm anorexic, and how Matt was using all of his birthday money for a Wii and skipping out on Disney.. it was fun. I love those kids.

What else.. umm.. I turned in my Fine Arts paperwork, finally. I think I'm going to do three categories: puppets, human video, and instrumental ensemble with Chris, Staci, and some other people. That should be a bucket of fun.

I'm excited for FSU. End of story.

I really don't have much else to say, in all honesty. I really love my boyfriend. I want to marry him. Even though I have these crazy thoughts of us not being together and wanting to break up.. I love him dearly, and I always will (I hope). (:

So when you ask, "Is something wrong?"

I think, "You're damn right, there is, but we can't talk about it now.."

So.. the past two days have been interesting. I swear.. I go to Frostburg to visit and I bring all the snow back to LaVale. We had normal classes on Monday and Tuesday.. and then Wednesday and today have been snow days. Oh, what glorious days they've been (not really). Yesterday was just plain boring.. today, I've slept half of the day because I feel utterly and ridiculously sick on my stomach. Well, felt. I'm better now. I woke up today at probably 9:00 or 9:30, and I came downstairs and got some O.J. to take a Tylenol with. Then I got the turkey sandwich out of my lunch box and ate about half of it before I started feeling really sick on my stomach. I did the dishes and switched the laundry over like Mom asked me, and then I went upstairs and laid down. And right before I went to sleep, my boyfriend called me.. which made it both better and worse. It made it better because, well, it's my boyfriend. But it made it worse because I miss him, and he told me he was going up to the mall. I'm trapped here once again. So I kind of felt crummier after that conversation. (At least I'll see him on Saturday!) So I slept from about 11:20 until 1:45. And I feel a lot better now. My headache has lightened up quite a bit (it's still there) and my stomach is calm now. So I think I might go take a Tylenol Sinus because the headache is from the weather, I think. And then I'm going to start on my English 101 paper.

You know.. a lot of people who know me don't think I'll do okay as far as getting stuff done in time in college, because I tend to forget to turn assignments in.. but I look at it this way. I'll be paying for college by keeping a good GPA and being of good moral standing. That's enough to keep me away from the alcohol and focused on my grades.. I need to keep getting those scholarships so I can pay for my education. I think having Matt on campus will be a distraction, but not as big of a distraction as I would've had down in Athens. At least at FSU, if I start missing Matt, I can just stop by and say hello. In Athens.. I'd have to make a four + hour trip home. I'd be so homesick and depressed if I was there. I mean.. Concord is a great school.. but I don't think it's a great school for me. A lot of people think that I'm staying home because my boyfriend is going to Frostburg.. but he knows and my mom and grandma know that I had been in love with FSU before he had even mentioned it. Frostburg is close to home, but not too close.. I like that a lot. I can get away from my family if I need to, but I'm not so far away that if I miss them, I can't go back to visit. And Josh, Eesh, Nate, Matt, Mark.. bunches of people I know already go there. And the ones I don't know that go there, I'll become friends with before my four years is over with. I'm much more confident meeting people who are from around here, rather than people from the Deep South of West Virginia. (For those of you I haven't told yet, I'm almost 100% sure that I'm staying here and going to FSU. Far away just isn't right for me.)

My problem is that sometimes, I honestly question why I'm still in a relationship. It doesn't feel like it used to. Up until the past few months, I have always felt 100% head over heels in love with this boy. Now.. I go back and forth from not wanting to be around him, to feeling bad for feeling that way, to being completely in love, to just being back to 'liking' him. I don't know what's going on.. I don't know what would've given me a change of heart. In all honesty, I think I know what it is, and if I'm right, then the next year is going to be horrible. I think it's because I'm so stressed out over school and whatnot. When I'm with him, most of what I'm thinking about is the homework I haven't finished yet, or that test we're going to have, or the problems that my friends are having, or what I'm going to do about college, or how I'm going to have enough money, or.. that dreaded F word.. finals. And he doesn't have to worry about all of this stuff. I'm so jealous of my boyfriend that I almost hate to be around him anymore. It's getting ridiculous. I just don't know what to do to make myself feel right with him again. He doesn't understand everything that I'm going through right now.. because he doesn't have to take finals, he has easy classes (at least they're easy to him) with minimal work, he leaves school early every day, the only extra stuff he's involved in is bowling league and work (and I love him being on the bowling league, don't get me wrong), he gets class trips and his senior trip, his college tuition is paid for.. he's not stressed out about getting scholarship money so he doesn't go into debt. I have more finals than half of the seniors in my class because I'm in two college classes -- thankfully, the Psych 101 final is open book -- and my classes aren't exactly easy, I have so many projects right now there is schoolwork running out my ears, I have a full day of school everyday with no time for napping, I'm involved in concert band, community band, jazz band, and SMILE Team, plus Martin's, we've had one class trip to Medieval Times (he gets to go to D.C.!) and that'll be all we get, we don't get a senior trip, and I have to apply and pray to God that I get every scholarship, because every one I don't get is that much more money out of my pocket. He only has to worry about his living arrangements.. I have to worry about tuition, and my living arrangements. Ugh.

If I play my cards right, I'll stay on campus for my first year, and then I'll become an RA in one of the dorms, and have my room and board paid for. I think you only have to have something like a 2.5 GPA and be in good moral standing. I could probably handle that. (: I just have to make sure that I don't let Matt distract me at all, and I'll be good.

Anyway.. I think I'm doing rambling. I'm going to try to get my English 101 paper finished so I can start on my British Literature project. And my senior project. Projects, projects, projects.. hasn't anyone heard of giving a kid a break? (:

♥

A short description of my day off.

I woke up at about 6:30 am to my mother calling to tell me we had a two-hour delay. That would've made me happy. But then, at.. ehh.. 7:45 am, Megan texts me to let me know there's no school. Great. Dad calls a few minutes after that to wake me up and keep me awake and all. I came downstairs, double-checked everything.. and started applying for scholarships. And pretty much since then, that's all I've been doing. I haven't actually applied for any, actually.. I've just sorted through ones that I've come across on my search engine thing. But it's been ridiculously boring. I've talked to Matt for about ten minutes so far.. I miss him a lot. I was really hoping to make it out to church tonight so that I could see him. He was going to go if I was going.. he was going to risk the not-so-great roads.. but since I told him I couldn't go, he said he probably wouldn't go, either. I played one wicked game of Tetris earlier.. I was on like.. level ten or something. It was nuts. I shoveled the sidewalk so when Mom gets home, she doesn't fall and hurt herself. Dad's on his own, because I didn't get a chance to do the back sidewalk. Speaking of Mom.. she should've been home about thirty minutes ago.. but she keeps getting stuck in traffic. She said she might stop at Fox's for food.. that would make me might happy.

It's really annoying when you've been looking forward to seeing your boyfriend for the past two or three days, and then when that day rolls around, you're stuck at home. I really miss Matt, bunches and bunches.

Snow.

Because of an inch or so of snow, we're now off school. Great, right? No.. not really. Mainly because it's going to keep going all day, and today's Wednesday.. Fine Arts forms are due today.. and if I can't get in to church because I have no ride because my roads are too crappy for anyone to get down here.. I'm going to be royally ticked. (Not only that, but it's Matt's birthday today. And not only that, but I actually get to spend time with him and Megan and Arik.. maybe more than was originally planned.. which would be amazing.)

I hate snow days.


"We Looked Like Giants" by Death Cab For Cutie
God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime, remembering when you were mine in a still suburban town.
When every Thursday I'd brave those mountain passes and you'd skip your early classes, and we'd learn how our bodies worked.
God damn the black night, with all its foul temptations. I've become what I always hated, when I was with you then.

We looked like giants in the back of my grey subcompact, fumbling to make contact as the others slept inside.

And together there, in a shroud of frost, the mountain air began to pass through every pane of weathered glass. And I held you closer than anyone would ever get.

Do you remember the JAMC? And reading aloud from magazines? I don't know about you, but I swear on my name they could smell it on me. (I've never been too good with secrets, no...)

And together there, in a shroud of frost, and mountain air began to pass through every pane of weathered glass. And I held you closer...

Happiness..

An updated happiness list.

Happiness is...

A take home test.
A warm cup of coffee in the morning.
A text message.
A welcoming hug.
Chocolate milk.
Serendipity.
McDonald's.
A "one thing led to another" experience.
Regret.
Community service.
No [more] drama.
The Frankfort High School Drumline.
God.
Post Secret.
Autumn leaves.
Childhood innocence.
Saying no.
Addictions put in the past.
Relief.
New music.
Old music.
Just plain music.
Cuddling.
Family.
Future additions to families.
Birthdays.
Staying out on a football field in the middle of November to raise homeless awareness.
[Falling in] Love.
A good novel.
Eating just a little too much...
... and not feeling guilty about it.
Introversion.
Show tunes.
Concord University. Frostburg State University.
Flaws, imperfections, and mistakes.
Living.
Candy hearts.
America.
Matt.
Penguins, ducks, or any other cute animal.
(But especially penguins and ducks).
The first snow of a winter.
Jazz band.
Apologizing.
Unanswered prayers.
Answered prayers.
The Sinner's Prayer.
Just plain prayers.
Genuinity.
Made up words.
Rain.
Being alone.
Having someone there for me.
Tiny vessels...
The future.
The past.
The present.
Holding on.
Letting go.
Eyes that linger for a moment too long.
College tours.
Death Cab For Cutie.
Martin's.
Hot chocolate.
Possible [guaranteed] scholarship money.
Winter.
Spring.
Summer.
Fall.
Growing up too fast.
Not growing up fast enough.
Oxymorons.
Paradoxes.
Boxes, inside of boxes, inside of boxes...
Senior favorites.
Relationships.
Being single.
Simplicity.
Complications.
Living...
... not just being alive.
Jazz music.
Polite people.
British spellings.
Sybil.
Being held...
... and never being let go.