She is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me..

The past month of my life has come down to the following story:

"Something" happened between Melissa and Josh. Madison and I, among others, are tired of seeing her hurt again and again, because we care about her. Madison was frustrated one day and went into second block ranting about it. Megan asked Melissa about it, and Melissa told Nicole. So Nicole went over to Madison's table and pretty much chewed her out. Madison then came over to our table and, in a raised voice, told Melissa exactly why she was so frustrated. I chimed in with, "I agree with everything she just said." And so the drama begins to unfold... Nicole hated myself and Madison from that point onward. Madison and Melissa got into a huge argument the next day, and I thought that we were all cool. Nicole, however, had other feelings. Fast-forward to this past Monday. Madison and McMegan were in the seat behind me, and myself and Nadine were in front of them, on the bus ride to Morgantown. So we were talking and I said, "I wouldn't consider you a whore, because a whore's someone who brags about having sex. I'd consider so-and-so one, but not you." We also spoke about somebody (not Melissa!) having sex with Josh. So, somehow it got back to Melissa that we called her a whore and said she was sleeping around with Josh. Nicole flipped out on McMegan two days ago, before she even had our side of the story, and pretty much threatened her. Melissa will not come to us with our side of the story, because (according to her) I'm a liar and I wouldn't tell her the truth anyway.

So now there's a huge schism in the senior class between McMegan/Madison/myself/all of our friends, and Nicole/Nadine/Melissa/Lindsey/all of their friends. And nobody can just drop it. I've dropped it; I don't care. I've lost friends in the past and I can handle losing them again. That's no big deal to me. But the fact that certain people keep bringing it up and causing a big ruckus over it is just plain annoying. And she still sits at our lunch table.. our lunch table. If she doesn't want to be around me, then she's the one that should move. It's quite awkward right now, because she sits one person over and on the other side of the table, so we're quite near each other, and we don't actually speak to each other the whole time. I thought we were cool, but apparently one of the things she said the other day was, "Just remember: Megan was my best friend, too." So the word "was" leads me to believe that we are no longer on speaking terms. Not that it matters, anyway, because "I'd just lie to her" anyway.

In addition to that, I've been pretty stressed out about my classes. Mr. Gillis' class has been rough. Don't get me wrong -- it's an easy class -- but there is way too much work involved for a non-honors class. It should at least be weighted or something. The amount of projects and papers and outside reading and whatnot is ridiculous. English 101 is alright.. I'm not the greatest at writing papers, and there aren't many other grades, so I'm having kind of a tough time. But I think I'll be okay. Psychology 101 is a joke anymore. I mean, I like the class.. we watch movies dealing with psychology, and then we discuss them.. which will teach me more than a book ever could.. but it doesn't seem like a college class. Except for this wicked-difficult presentation I'm trying to get ready for next Tuesday. Our row got the sign-up sheet for presentation dates last, so we got stuck with the first two days.. or in my case, the first day. I think I'm even the first person on the first day. Oh joy! That project has me wicked-stressed right now. College Prep Math really isn't so bad.. I just got a 108% on one of my tests and I ran through the house, proclaiming the wonderfulness of Mrs. Cosner. I love that crazy little woman. (: AP Government is.. okay. It's worse than a college class, that's for sure. Mr. Cowgill is one of my favorite teachers, though, so it's all good. And band is band.. except that almost every person involved in the aforementioned fight is in the band. So it gets pretty awkward. I have to remember who's friends with who.

And aside from that.. I have college to worry about; more specifically, college funding. I'm torn between Concord and FSU. I'd like to stay at FSU, not just because of Matt, but that's a part in it, of course. It's also because I want to stay close to my family -- particularly my grandmother -- and the people and places I'm familiar with. I don't like change and I don't like being thrust into new situations with new people. I don't want to go to Potomac State/WVU because everybody goes there and I feel like I'd be settling for second-best. Unfortunately, that's how Dad feels about Frostburg. Nobody believes me when I say that I love it up there. Not on campus, per se, but I love being in Frostburg in general. The view up there is spectacular.

And in addition to all of this.. I have an SAT tomorrow morning, a Frostburg visit for half of the day on Monday (thus missing class time and schoolwork), a Christmas concert December 4, my report card on December 4, I leave for Athens, WV, on Thursday evening, and I have my Concord University tour Friday morning/afternoon. I get home Friday evening, and then Saturday afternoon I have Christmas-y gig number two. After I get done at that gig, I have Matt's birthday party to go to. I'd love to skip out on it, in all honesty, because after this next week, I'm going to want a break. If it was just he and I, it wouldn't be such a big deal.. but the last thing I want to do after this much stress is be at a party. Weird, I know. Heck, I might not even be allowed to go if I stay grounded.. I haven't figured that out yet.

Matt and I are on pretty okay terms. Not spectacular.. not even great.. but good enough. I'm starting to feel like our physical relationship is bypassing our emotional relationship, which I know isn't completely true.. but we haven't done a very good job of controlling our whore-mones in the past month or two. I don't feel like I have enough time or energy to devote to this relationship, and the time I do have to devote.. we don't sit and talk like I wish we would. I'm starting to consider 'taking a break' for about.. oh.. four years? I'm finding it hard to step outside of myself and think about what I should do in situations, because I'm so worried of how they'll affect our relationship. College, for example. I can't even tell whether I want to go to FSU because I actually like it, or because Matt's going there. I start to wonder.. if Matt wasn't going there, would I still want to go? The answer should be yes, but I really don't know what I'd say. I feel like I'm a little too giving and he's a little too taking sometimes.. he has a selfish streak. It's not very bad, but it's noticeable.. and it's not in everything, either. He's more than willing to come pick me up from wherever, and stuff like that. But he takes advantage of the fact that my parents will buy him dinner when we go out... I mean, he didn't even get me a birthday card until I said something to him about it. No gift was fine, because I told him not to get me a gift, but not card is a bit ridiculous. I'm not sure anymore.. it all seems so perfect.. and I can tell you it's about to fall apart. I just don't see how sticking around for the next however many months or years will be worth it in the end.

Death Cab For Cutie has stolen my heart.. once again..

"Tiny Vessels"

This is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her but you don't. You touch her skin and then you think that she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me. Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silver Lake, the California sun cascading down my face. There was a girl with light brown streaks, and she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me. Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me.

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking as we moved together in the dark, and all the friends that I was telling, all the playful misspellings, and every bite I gave you left a mark.

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade, but they did, and so did I that day..

All I see are dark grey clouds in the distance, moving closer with every hour. So when you ask "Is something wrong?" I think "You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go, and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more. But it was vile, and it was cheap, and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me. Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.

Innocence.

I was looking through my computer and I found a few really old pictures.. and I realized something. I realized how much I miss my childhood. How much I miss my innocence. How much I miss not knowing the "pleasures" of the world. How much I miss sticking to my standards. How much I miss not feeling guilty. How much I miss not being involved in some sort of disagreement every day of my life. How I miss being stress-free.. carefree. How I miss the simplicity that used to exist between us. How I miss my old friends that I've since lost contact with.

It's also led me to realize other things, like...
I don't miss being that young and naive. I don't miss being called "sheltered". I don't miss not being experienced. I don't miss being a prude. I don't miss being single. I don't miss being bored with life. I don't miss underachieving. I don't miss not knowing the truth. I don't miss the old childhood drama.

I was generally venting to Matt on the phone tonight because.. well.. he's the only person I have to vent to about certain things. And honestly.. I think he "had to go" because he was tired of hearing me complain. It kind of made me feel like crap. I'm stressed out because of school.. and on top of that, the situation that keeps gaining momentum and causing way too many problems. I don't know what my grades are and I'm worried. I don't like the holiday season because I don't see how people can be so danged happy. I think Christmas decorating is a waste of time. I said all of these things. And then he told me what day he gets out of school.. and I was like.. "Oh, we have finals the two days after that," and he replied, "I don't have to take finals. I think we'll be on our senior trip then." So I said.. "Must be nice to be you." And then there was a pause. And then he was like, "Well, I have to go get some stuff done." And I'm in one of those.. whatever.. moods right now. I could honestly care less about everything. I'm burning myself out and come Tuesday, when I find out I have a C in some class, and I get wicked grounded forever.. yeah, that'll be a good time.

I have this major presentation to do in Psychology and I just don't have the motivation to finish it. It's due on Tuesday, which means.. in addition to the SAT that I'm taking Saturday morning.. I have this huge project to do all weekend. And Sunday I have church, and I'll probably work. Granted, I'm grounded anyway.. but seriously.. that's enough to make any sane person question their existence. Tuesday, I have jazz band.. I present my project.. I get my report card.. and I have one Christmas concert. Wednesday is church day, and Matt's birthday, so we'll probably spend time at Arik's house.. which takes time away from whatever homework or scholarship I could be filling out. Thursday afterschool I leave for Winchester, VA, and then to Athens, WV.. then I'll be out of town most of Friday. Saturday, I have a jazz band gig at 2:00, and then Matt's birthday party is that evening. And then Sunday I have church, again, and I'll probably have to work, again.

I need a break. Like.. a big break. From everyone. I need a self-vacation. Just me. I need to make things right with people, but apparently I'm a liar, so it isn't worth a try. I need to take about three steps back, when all we seem to be doing is sprinting forward. I need to calm down.

I need a nice strong alcoholic drink. \-:

I need some peace and serenity.

I had really hoped my senior year wouldn't come down to this.

Drama.
Stress.
Papers that make or break your grade.
Presentations that do the same.
Losing old friends.
Making new (not so great) friends.

Matt is the big glimmer of hope. I confided something in him that probably seemed silly and overdramatized in his eyes, but it was really important to me.. and it made me realize how ridiculous I get sometimes. And then it made me even more aware that he is probably the best (maybe the only) thing that I have going for me right now. His future is set.. he's more than content with how things are going.. he doesn't have to stress out over grades or scholarships, because he's covered.. he knows what he wants and he has the personality that will allow him to get it.. he has at least twice the amount of friends that I do, and they all love him to pieces.. he just has everything going for him.. to be quite honest, I hardly feel like I even deserve him. After the last guy I dated, I was very.. "I'm better than that, I deserve better than that." Well, now I have 'better than that', and I don't want him, because.. he's too good. It's too good to be true. Relationships don't just.. work. It's pretty sad when you're jealous of your own boyfriend because everything the freakin' kid touches turns to gold.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy for saying this stuff.. I'm starting to think they're right.

*shrug*

Without you, I'll be miserable, at best.

So I guess I'll actually do a real update for once.

My break went really well up until Wednesday afternoon. Matt and I went over to Arik's and were hanging out with him and Megan.. and that was all fine.. but then Mom called and started asking me about my grades in Mr. Cowgill's class. Apparently.. they're not as great as I thought they were. I didn't do so hot on a test (that I wasn't aware of) and there were two assignments that I didn't turn in (I'm still trying to figure these out). I have a low B in the class as of the beginning of November grades.. I'm not sure what it is now.. but I've been grounded from going out with Matt, basically. So I've been pretty miserable the past few days.

Lucky for me.. my mom intentionally threw a loophole in for me.. because she said I couldn't go OUT with Matt.. but if he came over here.. or we went out and he happened to meet us..

So I got to spend a few hours with him tonight. Mom, Dad, Stet, Eesh, myself, and Matt all went out to Oscar's tonight.. it was amazing. Just to be with Matt was amazing. I can not begin to tell you how much I missed him.. I don't know what I'm going to do when college rolls around. I'm going to be.. well, if there's a step down from miserable, that'll be me. I don't think Megan will be able to live with me, to be quite honest.

In other news.. as it stands now.. not only will my parents and I be going to Florida.. but Matt, Josh, and Alyssia (Stet and Eesh) are also going! (: I'm so friggin' excited! We leave in.. ohh.. a MONTH! Yay.

I've applied for bunches of scholarships and I'm very hopeful. I'm in the running for two $10,000 scholarships and one $14,000 scholarship.. which would be really helpful.. especially if I don't get PROMISE. Which I'm not so sure I'm still in the running for..

I'm going to post lyrics from a Yellowcard song because I think it's the most amazing song ever. I would marry Ryan Key if I wasn't so head over heels in love with Matt. (:

Oh. If anybody has any tips on long-distance relationships.. please share them.. I desperately want Matt and I to stay together.. and while I have bunches of faith in our relationship.. and I know that if it's meant to be, God will make a way.. I'm not content with just sitting back. So.. please. Please please please.

I can't think of anything of interest to post.. I really wish I could go to Frostburg. I don't want to go to Concord anymore. I'm not telling my parents. I'm settling for an in-state school. Maybe I'm not settling.. maybe FSU is settling.. I'm really not sure. All I know is, I really don't want to go away to college at all, I'm going to be miserable, I'm going to miss my family and my boyfriend entirely too much.. and I'm going to be even more stressed because I'll only have Megan there with me. I hate making new friends so much. I love Megan, don't take that the wrong way.. I'm glad she'll be there with me.. but I'd like to have more than one friend. Making new friends comes second nature to her and Matt both.. and I'm horrible at it.

Truth be told, I'm terrified.

Yellowcard - "Cut Me, Mick"

I can't keep this together, and I might lose this year. I can't get through December, and you know all my fears. Some place somewhere behind me, I walked right through the truth; the truth is that you're the one thing that always pulls me through this troubled life I chose.

You are the one that I need, you know that I can still breathe.. bring me back to life, bring me back to life. You bring me down from my cloud, to keep my feet on the ground.. bring me back to life, bring me back to life.

And when I thought that I might be invincible, it wasn't long before I was invisible to your eyes, and I swear there's nothing left in here, and the more you say you don't care, the more I know you're there.

You are the one that I need, you know that I can still breathe.. bring me back to life, bring me back to life. You bring me down from my cloud, to keep my feet on the ground.. bring me back to life, bring me back to life.

I can't keep this together (you are the one that I need)
I can't stay sick forever (you know that I can still breathe)
I can't stop this disaster (you bring me down from my cloud)
I can't fall any faster..

You are the one that I need, you know that I can still breathe.. bring me back to life, bring me back to life.

You are the one that I need, you know that I can still breathe.. bring me back to life, bring me back to life. You bring me down from my cloud, to keep my feet on the ground.. bring me back to life, bring me back to life.

You are the one that I need, you know that I can still breathe.. you bring me down from my cloud, to keep my feet on the ground..

.++.

And here's how I'll feel once I go away to college...

Mayday Parade - "Miserable At Best"

Katie, don't cry; I know you're trying your hardest, and the hardest part is letting go of the nights we shared. Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting, but compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright. And when we look to the sky, it's not mine, but I want it so..

Let's not pretend you're alone tonight (I know he's there); you're probably hanging out and making eyes (while across the room, he stares). I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor, and ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes..

Because these words are never easier for me to say, or her to second guess, but I guess that I can live without you but, without you I'll be miserable at best.

You're all that I hoped I'd find, in every single way, and everything I could give is everything you couldn't take. 'Cause nothing feels like home -- you're a thousand miles away -- and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.

Because I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet. But I need it..

So let's not pretend like you're alone tonight (I know he's there); you're probably hanging out and making eyes (while across the room, he stares). I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor, and ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes...

Because these words are never easier for me to say, or her to second guess, but I guess that I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best.

And this will be the first time in a week that I'll talk to you, and I can't speak. Been three whole days since I've had sleep, because I dream of his lips on your cheek, and I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I'm not that strong. And I miss the lips that made me fly...

So let's not pretend that you're alone tonight (I know he's there); you're probably hanging out and making eyes (while across the room, he stares). I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor, and ask my girl to dance, and she'll say yes...

Because these words are never easier for me to say, or her to second guess, but I guess that I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable..
And I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable..
And I can live without you, oh, without you, I'll be miserable at best...

In reference to the most previous post..

Sometimes, things just happen too conveniently for them to be believable.

Sometimes I don't want you around.

Sometimes I think we should just be friends.

Sometimes I feel guilty.

Sometimes you make me feel worse.

Completion.

Sometimes, you just need someone to hold you when you cry.

Sometimes, you just need someone to say, "It'll be okay."

Sometimes, you just need to be able to look in their eyes and know they mean it.

Sometimes.. I just need you.

*sigh*

This has been a rough week for me for some reason. My emotions have been all over the board...

I got bunches of information from Frostburg State University. Since I was accepted there, I got my room request form and all of that stuff.. and the more information I get from there.. the more I'm regretting choosing Concord. I mean.. sure.. it's a great college.. and I'll probably love it there.. but I am so completely envious of my boyfriend that he gets to get an apartment with one of his best friends and live right near everyone he's grown up with his entire life. I get to live on campus (with my best friend) whether I want to or not, and I'm four hours + away from everyone else that I know and love. I'll be lucky if I know anyone else at my college, even. I love Frostburg. I don't know why I decided not to go there. I'm regretting my choices more and more every day. But it's out of state, anyway, so I wouldn't be able to go there. At least I picked a school that will probably be able to give me a good education..

Matt keeps talking about him and Matt Cosner getting an apartment together, and all of this stuff.. and it keeps upsetting me. I'm not sure why.. I mean.. I've been getting Concord information for a while now and I've been fine.. thinking about me going away to college and whatnot.. but it's like.. as soon as he starts talking about him being in college and all that.. I start flipping out. I don't understand it. But I know this whole college business is stressing me out more now that I've actually been accepted. I have to apply for scholarships and fill out forms and wait for acceptance letters so I can do room request forms and.. ugh. I just want it to stop.

My friggin' AP Government homework is killing me. It's the most ridiculous busy-work type assignment Cowgill has ever given us. And I love Mr. Cowgill, don't get me wrong.. but this is nuts. FOUR PAGES?! Our papers we write for English 101 aren't even that long.. they're 750 words.. which is roughly two and a half pages. Argh..

I think I might make a new blog for my family (and friends who care) to read, especially while I'm away at college. That way, they'll know what's going on in my life and whatnot, and it saves me time with calling every single one of them every night.. y'know? Good lord.. why am I freaking out about this so much..

And to make matters worse, I have this voice nagging me in my head with, "Break up with Matt. You and Matt are better off as friends. College is coming up and you'll be heartbroken and not be able to focus on your studies. At least if you do it now, you'll be over it by next August." I'm completely miserable right now. I feel guilty for thinking that. Terribly guilty. What's even worse is that some days.. I agree with that nagging voice in my head.

Jeesh. This is too depressing. I think I'm going to go try to finish my AP Government homework.

Serenity is all a wondering mind needs.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Scaramouche, scaramouche; will you do the Fandango?

So.. I'm almost positive I'm doing Fine Arts this year! I had such an amazing time at Indy07 last year.. being around all of those different people, as well as getting to present our human video and visit Indianapolis and.. ugh. I'm excited for Fine Arts. I think I'm going to do puppets and human video this year.. because I've never done either, really. I was a fill-in last year.. but I want to be an actual participant this year. I'm excited!

Matt and I have almost been together a year. No need to tell you how excited I am about that, either. (:

Speaking of Indy07.. I just found the video from the last day and the violinist (last name Tavani!) is frickin' amazing. Made a few of us cry, myself included. Just.. wow. He was INCREDIBLE.

And that's about all I have to say about that. I'll write more later, I guess.

<3

Happiness.

Happiness is...

A take home test.
A warm cup of coffee in the morning.
A text message.
A welcoming hug.
Chocolate milk.
Serendipity.
McDonald's.
A "one thing led to another" experience.
Regret.
Community service.
No drama.
The Frankfort High School Drumline.
God.
Post Secret.
Autumn leaves.
Childhood innocence.
Saying no.
Addictions put in the past.
Relief.
New music.
Old music.
Just plain music.
Cuddling.
Family.
Future additions to families.
Birthdays.
Staying out on a football field in the middle of November to raise homeless awareness.
[Falling in] Love.
A good novel.
Eating just a little too much...
... and not feeling guilty about it.
Introversion.
Show tunes.
Concord University.
Flaws, imperfections, and mistakes.
Living.
Candy hearts.
America.
Matt.
Penguins, ducks, or any other cute animal.
(But especially penguins and ducks).
The first snow of a winter.
Jazz band.
Apologizing.
Unanswered prayers.
Answered prayers.
The Sinner's Prayer.
Just plain prayers.
Genuinity.
Made up words.
Rain.
Being alone.
Having someone there for me.
The future.
The past.
The present.


The person I am today.

Due to an extreme amount of boredom.

I'm too lazy to separate my ramblings tonight, so you'll have to just deal with it, I suppose.

Friday during Foundations and 3rd block, I updated my penguin and the quotes section of Mr. Cowgill's board. There is now a new Demetri Martin quote, and my penguin is wearing a green "Got Plinko?" shirt and a pair of jeans. (: I had a really good time with that.

And now.. Whitney and I are discussing Mr. Hipkiss and his overflowing fountain of wisdom. Puke.

I just spent most of my day with Matt. It was really fun and, as always, brought us closer together as a couple. After church and a somewhat serious conversation, we had lunch/dinner with his parents.. which consisted of, for me, two and a half helpings of stuffing, one and a half helpings of mashed potatoes, and a roll. Yummm.. (: .. hehe. So after dinner, Matt and I sorted through two boxes of family pictures of him and his sister, and his biological dad, and his step-dad, and his mom (of course).. in addition to billions of other family members. And then we walked over to Daniel's so that Matt could borrow the fourth Harry Potter book. Then we.. hmm.. went back to his house and watched the Patriot-Colts game.. and then we got bored, so we left. We went through McDonald's drive-thru, brought the food back to my house, and sat in his car and watched Family Guy for two hours. Well.. we "watched" Family Guy. (; And had an interesting incident involving a hamburger wrapper.. but that's for us to know. (:

Anywayyy.. what else. Umm.. I have the most adorable picture of my boyfriend ever. Actually, the most adorable one is in a Ziploc bag at his house.. but I really want to get ahold of it and put it on a cake for his birthday. I'd like that. (: He was such an adorable baby.. like.. you have no idea. He still is adorable, mind you, but he was so cute as a baby! I hope our kids turn out that cute. (: hehe.. I'm very smiley tonight. (:



Isn't he cute? (: haha.. that was actually from a month ago.. but that's okay. I wouldn't mind waking up to that ^ every morning. (:

Matt and I are still deciding exactly what we're going to do about college. As far as visiting and being engaged and all of that good stuff. So I'm not sure exactly what's going on as far as that goes.. but.. I know that I'm beginning to feel a lot better about it. I feel like we're going to make it, and that if we don't, it'll be for the best. I'm not stressing out over it as much.. at the moment, at least.

Carrie just told me she would lol so freaking hard if I said something completely retarded to Gillis tomorrow. So now I'm getting a mental image of her walking into class and just going, "LOL! LOL! LOL!" (: hehe

I can't think of anything else I had to say, but I know there was another thing I had to put in this blog. Hmm.. there are only fifty-four days until we leave for Disney World! And only forty-nine days until Matt and I celebrate our one year anniversary. That's crazy! CRAZY! I didn't imagine us lasting that long, honestly. I'm very happy that we have, though. He's amazing. (:

Anyway. I'm going to bed. I just felt the need to ramble and post that picture. So.. erm.. goodnight, I suppose! (:

Take heart, 'cause you know that you have mine.

[FRANKFORT]
The band has been doing fairly well this year. I don't really enjoy it as much as I used to... but I think that's just because it's been four years of it, and I want a break. Plus, all of my friends from band are pretty much.. well.. they've just changed. A lot. Actually, all of my friends have changed a lot. To the point where I really don't want to hang out with any of them anymore. They've all adapted lifestyles that I don't agree with.. and some of them subtly put me down for my views.. or make fun of me (not-so-subtly, even though they think they're being subtle). I have Megan and Arik.. and Matt, of course.. he's my bestest.. and that's actually about it. I feel closer with Matt's family then I do with my friends. Like Timmy, and Josh, and Tim, and Gramma Mike. Especially Tim, though. I think if I ever had a problem, I could go to him about it, and he'd have good, Christian advice for me, and he'd keep it confidential. And half of my friends.. well.. I guess I could talk to them about stuff.. but they like to spread things around. But anyway.. I'm doing well in my classes now. Thankfully. I have like.. over 100% in College Prep Math. And I think I have an A in Cowgill's.. but it might actually be a B. I'm not sure. And then I'm never sure about English. But I think I have an A in British Literature. And I have no reason to not have an A in English 101. And in Psychology 101, I think I have a B. So I'm pretty excited.

[COLLEGE]
So.. since my last post.. I am pleased to announce that...

I HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED BY
CONCORD UNIVERSITY!!

And I'm definitely going. Well.. almost definitely. I know it's what I want to do.. but I'm afraid of two things. Somewhat afraid of how that will affect those around me.. as in, my family and Matt. But mostly afraid that it's not what God wants me to do with my life. I mean.. I think it is.. and I really feel like I should be going there and all.. but I just worry that I'm making the wrong decision. I'm also really afraid of how Matt and I are going to handle this. It's like.. I need to hear that we'll make it.. and all of that. But that's reassurance that nobody can give. I have to have faith in this relationship and trust in God and in Matt that this will work out. And trusting people and having faith in things were never my strong points.. so I'm taking this really tough. I hate not being able to see him. And my parents.. I'll definitely miss them. But I know that Mom and Dad will actually be able to come and visit, and so will Aiya. Matt will have to work around his school schedule as well. And it bums me out that I probably won't be at any of his soccer games or anything like that, and that he won't be at any of my performances or anything with the band. But I guess that's expected when one person moves four hours away. *sigh*

[BOYFRANNN]
Matt and I are better than ever, despite all of the college stuff. Among other recent.. umm.. "issues". But that's something between he and I entirely (yes, I'm still a virgin). I feel suddenly.. closer.. or something.. to him now. I feel like we could actually possibly make it. And I like feeling that. I mean, I'm still horribly terrified. But I actually believe Matt when he says he'll keep the relationship going as long as I will, and that he'll put forth all of his effort. As long as neither of us decide that we "just don't have time for a relationship", we'll be okay. I hope. As silly as this sounds, I do kind of want to be engaged while I'm in college. Or at least just "promised". Just.. y'know. It'd be nice. I don't know. It's just.. there comes a time when you're with someone.. and you.. you just know. You know they're the person you're going to marry. You know they're the only person for you. You know that you don't care what happens in your life.. as long as they're there to share it with you. And I know that I've found that with Matt. :)

[ANYWAY...]
I have homework to be doing and whatnot. But I will tell you that Matt and I finally have a "song". Well, kind of. I proposed that it become our song due to upcoming events, and he was like, "Okay!" haha.. cute. :) So I'm going to go write a paper and leave you with zee lyrics.

.++.

Once upon a time.. not so long ago...

Tommy used to work on the docks. Union's been on strike, he's down on his luck; it's tough.. so tough.. Gina works the diner all day, working for her man, she brings home her pay for love.. for love..

She says, "we've got to hold on to what we've got, 'cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We've got each other, and that's a lot for love; we'll give it a shot. Whoa, we're halfway there; whoa, livin' on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear.. whoa, we're livin' on a prayer.."

Tommy's got his six string in hock -- now he's holding in what he used to make it talk, so tough.. it's tough.. Gina dreams of running away; when she cries in the night, Tommy whispers, "Baby, it's okay.. someday.. we've got to hold on to what we've got, 'cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We've got each other, and thats a lot for love; we'll give it a shot. Whoa, we're halfway there; whoa, livin' on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear.. whoa, we're livin' on a prayer. We've got to hold on, ready or not; you live for the fight when it's all that you've got. Whoa, we're halfway there; whoa, livin' on a prayer. Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear.. whoa, we're livin' on a prayer.."