Hearing and heeding..

I've found that lately, I have been questioning the heck out of mostly everything in my life. The thing is.. I pray to God.. and I ask Him what I should do.. but for some reason, I feel like I haven't gotten an answer yet. For instance..

• How far is too far?
• What college should I attend?
• Should I be talking to certain people about my college decision?
• What things should be considered when deciding about college?
• Am I doing the right thing?
• What on earth am I doing here? (haha.. okay, not that one)

But I keep asking.. and praying.. and trying to listen.. but I haven't felt like I've gotten an answer. And like.. I'm worried that I'm not listening well enough, or something like that, and it really bothers me. I don't know what to do on these topics.. I haven't the slightest idea.. so I'm wondering if it's really my fault after all. I mean.. the first question.. in my opinion, I like where I am now. You can't really push it much farther without being immoral, but it's comfortable for me. However, other people would disagree with me.. and I know it's supposed to be "personal".. but I want to make sure my actions honor God. He hasn't exactly condemned me in any way.. but He hasn't really condoned me, either.

I keep saying I'm going to talk to one or two people regarding college.. but I haven't done so yet. I think I have a pretty good idea of where I'd like to go.. and it's completely opposite or where my parents would like me to go.. and I'm not quite sure if they're happy about it. Especially because.. well, it'll be a little expensive to live there and all.. but I really feel like it'd be a good choice. The only problem is.. and, like I said, I know it's far off.. but I'd be leaving Megan and Matt.. among others.. and I can't handle doing that. Megan I know I'd keep in touch with.. but Matt.. we're dating.. and if we're still together when college rolls around.. that'll have been almost two years.. and I am scared to death that college will break us up. Especially if I go where I'm planning on going. So..

Then again, Melissa brought up a good point. Maybe I'm more afraid of hurting Matt than I am of hurting myself. Which is more than likely true, now that I think about it. I mean.. I care about him a TON.. and I'm petrified that I'll do something stupid and screw stuff up.. and all that. That's actually probably my worst fear, is that I'll screw up the relationship. But if he cares about me like he claims to [and I'm pretty sure he does.. lol], then my screwing up would hurt him, as well. Breaking up would hurt him. Moving away would hurt him. In addition to being scared to death of the unknown -- of the future in general -- I'm afraid of hurting one of the closest people to my heart. Honestly, there's Mom, Dad, Aiya, Megan, and Matt. And everyone kind of falls in below that. I'm so afraid of hurting the one person I love with all my hearttt.. that I've become afraid of everything else, as well.

Or.. it could always be that I can't hear God because I'm afraid of what His answer will be. And actually.. that answer makes more sense than any other. What if God tells me something I don't like? What if He says that Matt and I should break up, or that I should end up in college a million miles away? Honestly -- who wants to hear that? Ahh well.. I suppose the only thing left to do is to continue to pray and trust that an answer will be provided soon.