In suspension between two extremes.

Although I realize I'm quite the pessimist, I can at least try to be upbeat for two minutes of my existence.. "try" being the key word.

I feel like my life is divided into two parts, almost. One part is a rainy, ugly day, and the other is a beautiful, sunny morning in Autumn. My rainy, ugly day is when I'm alone.. or just in one of my moods like I'm in tonight. My beautiful, sunny morning in Autumn is when I'm with Matt, or my friends. I wish I had more Autumn days, but for some reason, it seems like the rainy days are beginning to outnumber them. But I'll talk about my Autumn days, for happiness' sake.

One day that sticks out imparticular is the first day that I spent with Matt after we decided to be official. (Well, okay -- I decided, he just agreed -- but for conversation's sake, "we" decided.) We went to the mall -- we ate at Jerry's with my parents, I believe -- and then went to see Night at the Museum. And for some reason -- whether he was being cute, or a complete gentleman -- I was asked (in a way) if he could kiss me. And, although I'm a rude, rude person, and made him wait half the movie.. well, we all know what happened. But for some reason, that whole night was just.. quite lovely. Very enjoyable, if nothing else. My second favorite night was last weekend.. as I already wrote, it was just completely amazing. We had a great time, it was very relaxed.. very simple. I like simple. My third favorite "date" would probably be.. going over to meet his parents and all. We all know how stressed out I can get about stuff like band and school.. so take that.. and multiply it by about ten. I flipped out for an hour and a half because I had "nothing to wear". Seriously -- I'm turning into a typical girl -- and it's scaring me. I was so nervous, and it ended up being completely different than what I expected -- in a good way, and we'll leave it at that -- and I really like Matt's family a lot.

Although, I must say.. this whole commitment thing scares the bejeebees out of me. Knowing that one person has the power to break my heart, ruin my world (for the time being, at least), completely shatter me.. scares the heck out of me. I'm afraid that I'm making a bad decision by doing this.. that I'm only getting myself into another heartbreak.. but then I look at people like Heather Wolford and her boyfriend.. who have been together probably two years.. or Jacque Bartlett and J.R.. it's been about two years for them, too, and they're engaged.. or people like that. And I think to myself, "Self: what if Matt and I do last that long? Not necessarily to engagement. But two years. One year, even. Why are you so crazy?" And the only answer I can give is.. "I don't know." I don't know if I fear commitment, or just fear getting in too deep. I have a feeling it's commitment, though, because I can't stay committed to one career or event or anything. I have a real problem. And the other thing I have a problem with is fear. I'm afraid of losing people, so I push them away. I'm afraid of getting hurt, so I keep myself out of the situation. Now that I'm in a relationship, I'm afraid that I'm trying to sabotage it in order for me not to get hurt, because I'm so scared that this might become something permanent, or at least semi-permanent. And by thinking all of this, I'm only going to sabotage it more. I want to be with Matt, but I don't want to be hurt.. and that's what I'm worried about. And when he reads this -- and he will -- he's going to think he has the most psycho girlfriend in the world. And I'm very sorry for that, too, by the way.

Here's the problem. I love Matt. Love is my problem. I love my parents, but we have a secure relationship. It can't be broken up -- it can be shattered, sure, but in the end, we're still family. But with Matt.. there's no definite security there.. just his word, and my trust. And that's what scares me. I am, by no means, saying I'd like to be married, or anything like that. On the contrary -- marriage scares me, too -- but what I am saying is that because I don't really have anything that can assure me that I am 100% safe from hurt, other than the Lord our Father, who is watching over me at this very second, I get really paranoid. Granted, I pray every night that if there's a reason for this relationship to end, for Him to show me, and I haven't seen diddly yet. So I'm assuming I'm making the right choice here. But still..

So I guess tonight I'll sit down and have a nice talk with God. Get all of this out to Him.. although I'm sure he's listening to me as I'm saying this in my head before I type it. And hopefully I'll hear some sort of answer. If I listen closely. Oh gosh.. I hope I do..

[Disclaimer: I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and don't want to lose him. That's not what I'm saying. Please don't take it that way. I'm just saying that I'm a bit psycho and not afraid to admit it.]