The kid was alright, but it went to his head.

For some reason that I've yet to discover, I'm feeling this complete sense of loss. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I feel like things are out of my hands now, and it's bothering me immensely. Granted, things are always in God's hands, but I usually feel like I have some control of what's happening. I feel like everything is existing around me, instead of with me, and I don't know why. I feel like I'm about to lose something.. and I hope I'm not.. especially because of the things I'm thinking of losing..

But there's this feeling that I can't quite explain. It's not quite envy or jealousy.. not quite sadness.. not quite happiness.. it's just.. bothering me. Nervousness, perhaps? Maybe I just expected a somewhat poetic life, and what I'm getting is a boring documentary. I feel like there's something missing.. "there must be more than this provincial life".. but I know I shouldn't, because God should be filling that emptiness. So why is it still there? And why am I suddenly questioning everything I was ever sure of (and some things I wasn't)? My life has always been based on maybe, not definites or nevers. I just don't understand how things can feel so right, and yet so marred at the same time. You'd think I could make up my mind on whether I was happy or not. Which, don't get me wrong -- I'm extremely happy with Matt, and I'm happy with where I am with my life -- but I still feel this sense of sadness.

Maybe I'm depressed.. it's a long-shot, I know. But it's always a possibility.

Gosh.. now I can understand why I "don't have any friends", or whatever lame excuse I always use. I push people away left and right because I have crazy mood swings. And, right now, I'm afraid said crazy mood swings are going to push me away from the people who mean the most to me. Namely.. Matt. I'm not having much trouble with Megan. But I've been very snappy with my parents lately, and I'd like to keep a tight relationship with them. I don't understanddddd..

I'm going to type up a happy blog now. Toodles.