So when you ask, "Is something wrong?"

I think, "You're damn right, there is, but we can't talk about it now.."

So.. the past two days have been interesting. I swear.. I go to Frostburg to visit and I bring all the snow back to LaVale. We had normal classes on Monday and Tuesday.. and then Wednesday and today have been snow days. Oh, what glorious days they've been (not really). Yesterday was just plain boring.. today, I've slept half of the day because I feel utterly and ridiculously sick on my stomach. Well, felt. I'm better now. I woke up today at probably 9:00 or 9:30, and I came downstairs and got some O.J. to take a Tylenol with. Then I got the turkey sandwich out of my lunch box and ate about half of it before I started feeling really sick on my stomach. I did the dishes and switched the laundry over like Mom asked me, and then I went upstairs and laid down. And right before I went to sleep, my boyfriend called me.. which made it both better and worse. It made it better because, well, it's my boyfriend. But it made it worse because I miss him, and he told me he was going up to the mall. I'm trapped here once again. So I kind of felt crummier after that conversation. (At least I'll see him on Saturday!) So I slept from about 11:20 until 1:45. And I feel a lot better now. My headache has lightened up quite a bit (it's still there) and my stomach is calm now. So I think I might go take a Tylenol Sinus because the headache is from the weather, I think. And then I'm going to start on my English 101 paper.

You know.. a lot of people who know me don't think I'll do okay as far as getting stuff done in time in college, because I tend to forget to turn assignments in.. but I look at it this way. I'll be paying for college by keeping a good GPA and being of good moral standing. That's enough to keep me away from the alcohol and focused on my grades.. I need to keep getting those scholarships so I can pay for my education. I think having Matt on campus will be a distraction, but not as big of a distraction as I would've had down in Athens. At least at FSU, if I start missing Matt, I can just stop by and say hello. In Athens.. I'd have to make a four + hour trip home. I'd be so homesick and depressed if I was there. I mean.. Concord is a great school.. but I don't think it's a great school for me. A lot of people think that I'm staying home because my boyfriend is going to Frostburg.. but he knows and my mom and grandma know that I had been in love with FSU before he had even mentioned it. Frostburg is close to home, but not too close.. I like that a lot. I can get away from my family if I need to, but I'm not so far away that if I miss them, I can't go back to visit. And Josh, Eesh, Nate, Matt, Mark.. bunches of people I know already go there. And the ones I don't know that go there, I'll become friends with before my four years is over with. I'm much more confident meeting people who are from around here, rather than people from the Deep South of West Virginia. (For those of you I haven't told yet, I'm almost 100% sure that I'm staying here and going to FSU. Far away just isn't right for me.)

My problem is that sometimes, I honestly question why I'm still in a relationship. It doesn't feel like it used to. Up until the past few months, I have always felt 100% head over heels in love with this boy. Now.. I go back and forth from not wanting to be around him, to feeling bad for feeling that way, to being completely in love, to just being back to 'liking' him. I don't know what's going on.. I don't know what would've given me a change of heart. In all honesty, I think I know what it is, and if I'm right, then the next year is going to be horrible. I think it's because I'm so stressed out over school and whatnot. When I'm with him, most of what I'm thinking about is the homework I haven't finished yet, or that test we're going to have, or the problems that my friends are having, or what I'm going to do about college, or how I'm going to have enough money, or.. that dreaded F word.. finals. And he doesn't have to worry about all of this stuff. I'm so jealous of my boyfriend that I almost hate to be around him anymore. It's getting ridiculous. I just don't know what to do to make myself feel right with him again. He doesn't understand everything that I'm going through right now.. because he doesn't have to take finals, he has easy classes (at least they're easy to him) with minimal work, he leaves school early every day, the only extra stuff he's involved in is bowling league and work (and I love him being on the bowling league, don't get me wrong), he gets class trips and his senior trip, his college tuition is paid for.. he's not stressed out about getting scholarship money so he doesn't go into debt. I have more finals than half of the seniors in my class because I'm in two college classes -- thankfully, the Psych 101 final is open book -- and my classes aren't exactly easy, I have so many projects right now there is schoolwork running out my ears, I have a full day of school everyday with no time for napping, I'm involved in concert band, community band, jazz band, and SMILE Team, plus Martin's, we've had one class trip to Medieval Times (he gets to go to D.C.!) and that'll be all we get, we don't get a senior trip, and I have to apply and pray to God that I get every scholarship, because every one I don't get is that much more money out of my pocket. He only has to worry about his living arrangements.. I have to worry about tuition, and my living arrangements. Ugh.

If I play my cards right, I'll stay on campus for my first year, and then I'll become an RA in one of the dorms, and have my room and board paid for. I think you only have to have something like a 2.5 GPA and be in good moral standing. I could probably handle that. (: I just have to make sure that I don't let Matt distract me at all, and I'll be good.

Anyway.. I think I'm doing rambling. I'm going to try to get my English 101 paper finished so I can start on my British Literature project. And my senior project. Projects, projects, projects.. hasn't anyone heard of giving a kid a break? (:

♥