She is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me..

The past month of my life has come down to the following story:

"Something" happened between Melissa and Josh. Madison and I, among others, are tired of seeing her hurt again and again, because we care about her. Madison was frustrated one day and went into second block ranting about it. Megan asked Melissa about it, and Melissa told Nicole. So Nicole went over to Madison's table and pretty much chewed her out. Madison then came over to our table and, in a raised voice, told Melissa exactly why she was so frustrated. I chimed in with, "I agree with everything she just said." And so the drama begins to unfold... Nicole hated myself and Madison from that point onward. Madison and Melissa got into a huge argument the next day, and I thought that we were all cool. Nicole, however, had other feelings. Fast-forward to this past Monday. Madison and McMegan were in the seat behind me, and myself and Nadine were in front of them, on the bus ride to Morgantown. So we were talking and I said, "I wouldn't consider you a whore, because a whore's someone who brags about having sex. I'd consider so-and-so one, but not you." We also spoke about somebody (not Melissa!) having sex with Josh. So, somehow it got back to Melissa that we called her a whore and said she was sleeping around with Josh. Nicole flipped out on McMegan two days ago, before she even had our side of the story, and pretty much threatened her. Melissa will not come to us with our side of the story, because (according to her) I'm a liar and I wouldn't tell her the truth anyway.

So now there's a huge schism in the senior class between McMegan/Madison/myself/all of our friends, and Nicole/Nadine/Melissa/Lindsey/all of their friends. And nobody can just drop it. I've dropped it; I don't care. I've lost friends in the past and I can handle losing them again. That's no big deal to me. But the fact that certain people keep bringing it up and causing a big ruckus over it is just plain annoying. And she still sits at our lunch table.. our lunch table. If she doesn't want to be around me, then she's the one that should move. It's quite awkward right now, because she sits one person over and on the other side of the table, so we're quite near each other, and we don't actually speak to each other the whole time. I thought we were cool, but apparently one of the things she said the other day was, "Just remember: Megan was my best friend, too." So the word "was" leads me to believe that we are no longer on speaking terms. Not that it matters, anyway, because "I'd just lie to her" anyway.

In addition to that, I've been pretty stressed out about my classes. Mr. Gillis' class has been rough. Don't get me wrong -- it's an easy class -- but there is way too much work involved for a non-honors class. It should at least be weighted or something. The amount of projects and papers and outside reading and whatnot is ridiculous. English 101 is alright.. I'm not the greatest at writing papers, and there aren't many other grades, so I'm having kind of a tough time. But I think I'll be okay. Psychology 101 is a joke anymore. I mean, I like the class.. we watch movies dealing with psychology, and then we discuss them.. which will teach me more than a book ever could.. but it doesn't seem like a college class. Except for this wicked-difficult presentation I'm trying to get ready for next Tuesday. Our row got the sign-up sheet for presentation dates last, so we got stuck with the first two days.. or in my case, the first day. I think I'm even the first person on the first day. Oh joy! That project has me wicked-stressed right now. College Prep Math really isn't so bad.. I just got a 108% on one of my tests and I ran through the house, proclaiming the wonderfulness of Mrs. Cosner. I love that crazy little woman. (: AP Government is.. okay. It's worse than a college class, that's for sure. Mr. Cowgill is one of my favorite teachers, though, so it's all good. And band is band.. except that almost every person involved in the aforementioned fight is in the band. So it gets pretty awkward. I have to remember who's friends with who.

And aside from that.. I have college to worry about; more specifically, college funding. I'm torn between Concord and FSU. I'd like to stay at FSU, not just because of Matt, but that's a part in it, of course. It's also because I want to stay close to my family -- particularly my grandmother -- and the people and places I'm familiar with. I don't like change and I don't like being thrust into new situations with new people. I don't want to go to Potomac State/WVU because everybody goes there and I feel like I'd be settling for second-best. Unfortunately, that's how Dad feels about Frostburg. Nobody believes me when I say that I love it up there. Not on campus, per se, but I love being in Frostburg in general. The view up there is spectacular.

And in addition to all of this.. I have an SAT tomorrow morning, a Frostburg visit for half of the day on Monday (thus missing class time and schoolwork), a Christmas concert December 4, my report card on December 4, I leave for Athens, WV, on Thursday evening, and I have my Concord University tour Friday morning/afternoon. I get home Friday evening, and then Saturday afternoon I have Christmas-y gig number two. After I get done at that gig, I have Matt's birthday party to go to. I'd love to skip out on it, in all honesty, because after this next week, I'm going to want a break. If it was just he and I, it wouldn't be such a big deal.. but the last thing I want to do after this much stress is be at a party. Weird, I know. Heck, I might not even be allowed to go if I stay grounded.. I haven't figured that out yet.

Matt and I are on pretty okay terms. Not spectacular.. not even great.. but good enough. I'm starting to feel like our physical relationship is bypassing our emotional relationship, which I know isn't completely true.. but we haven't done a very good job of controlling our whore-mones in the past month or two. I don't feel like I have enough time or energy to devote to this relationship, and the time I do have to devote.. we don't sit and talk like I wish we would. I'm starting to consider 'taking a break' for about.. oh.. four years? I'm finding it hard to step outside of myself and think about what I should do in situations, because I'm so worried of how they'll affect our relationship. College, for example. I can't even tell whether I want to go to FSU because I actually like it, or because Matt's going there. I start to wonder.. if Matt wasn't going there, would I still want to go? The answer should be yes, but I really don't know what I'd say. I feel like I'm a little too giving and he's a little too taking sometimes.. he has a selfish streak. It's not very bad, but it's noticeable.. and it's not in everything, either. He's more than willing to come pick me up from wherever, and stuff like that. But he takes advantage of the fact that my parents will buy him dinner when we go out... I mean, he didn't even get me a birthday card until I said something to him about it. No gift was fine, because I told him not to get me a gift, but not card is a bit ridiculous. I'm not sure anymore.. it all seems so perfect.. and I can tell you it's about to fall apart. I just don't see how sticking around for the next however many months or years will be worth it in the end.

Death Cab For Cutie has stolen my heart.. once again..

"Tiny Vessels"

This is the moment that you know that you told her that you loved her but you don't. You touch her skin and then you think that she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me. Yeah, she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silver Lake, the California sun cascading down my face. There was a girl with light brown streaks, and she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me. Yeah, she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me.

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking as we moved together in the dark, and all the friends that I was telling, all the playful misspellings, and every bite I gave you left a mark.

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade, but they did, and so did I that day..

All I see are dark grey clouds in the distance, moving closer with every hour. So when you ask "Is something wrong?" I think "You're damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go, and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more. But it was vile, and it was cheap, and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me. Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.