Innocence.

I was looking through my computer and I found a few really old pictures.. and I realized something. I realized how much I miss my childhood. How much I miss my innocence. How much I miss not knowing the "pleasures" of the world. How much I miss sticking to my standards. How much I miss not feeling guilty. How much I miss not being involved in some sort of disagreement every day of my life. How I miss being stress-free.. carefree. How I miss the simplicity that used to exist between us. How I miss my old friends that I've since lost contact with.

It's also led me to realize other things, like...
I don't miss being that young and naive. I don't miss being called "sheltered". I don't miss not being experienced. I don't miss being a prude. I don't miss being single. I don't miss being bored with life. I don't miss underachieving. I don't miss not knowing the truth. I don't miss the old childhood drama.

I was generally venting to Matt on the phone tonight because.. well.. he's the only person I have to vent to about certain things. And honestly.. I think he "had to go" because he was tired of hearing me complain. It kind of made me feel like crap. I'm stressed out because of school.. and on top of that, the situation that keeps gaining momentum and causing way too many problems. I don't know what my grades are and I'm worried. I don't like the holiday season because I don't see how people can be so danged happy. I think Christmas decorating is a waste of time. I said all of these things. And then he told me what day he gets out of school.. and I was like.. "Oh, we have finals the two days after that," and he replied, "I don't have to take finals. I think we'll be on our senior trip then." So I said.. "Must be nice to be you." And then there was a pause. And then he was like, "Well, I have to go get some stuff done." And I'm in one of those.. whatever.. moods right now. I could honestly care less about everything. I'm burning myself out and come Tuesday, when I find out I have a C in some class, and I get wicked grounded forever.. yeah, that'll be a good time.

I have this major presentation to do in Psychology and I just don't have the motivation to finish it. It's due on Tuesday, which means.. in addition to the SAT that I'm taking Saturday morning.. I have this huge project to do all weekend. And Sunday I have church, and I'll probably work. Granted, I'm grounded anyway.. but seriously.. that's enough to make any sane person question their existence. Tuesday, I have jazz band.. I present my project.. I get my report card.. and I have one Christmas concert. Wednesday is church day, and Matt's birthday, so we'll probably spend time at Arik's house.. which takes time away from whatever homework or scholarship I could be filling out. Thursday afterschool I leave for Winchester, VA, and then to Athens, WV.. then I'll be out of town most of Friday. Saturday, I have a jazz band gig at 2:00, and then Matt's birthday party is that evening. And then Sunday I have church, again, and I'll probably have to work, again.

I need a break. Like.. a big break. From everyone. I need a self-vacation. Just me. I need to make things right with people, but apparently I'm a liar, so it isn't worth a try. I need to take about three steps back, when all we seem to be doing is sprinting forward. I need to calm down.

I need a nice strong alcoholic drink. \-: